7 Deadly Sins of Dating

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With 2020 just around the corner, it’s becoming even more important to rid yourself of the deadly sins of dating. You must avoid these sins to have a productive relationship. The list that I compiled is by no means all of them, but the ones I feel will quietly kill a romance before it has time to bloom.

Ghosting

Come on people it’s 2019 and ghosting is still a thing. I understand not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings but trust me leaving their messages unread isn’t the answer. Of course, some folks will take the hint and move along. Whereas other people may feel desperate to continue because they aren’t sure where things took a wrong turn. My advice is DON’T DO THAT EVER! I don’t care how great the person is or if the chemistry was on 1,000. People who are vested in you don’t ghost PERIOD. If this happens chunk of the deuces and start dating other people. It is critical not to put all your eggs in one basket. Especially if that person hasn’t displayed that they’re worthy of you doing so.

Bare Minimum Standards

Let me break it down if you aren’t familiar with the concept. It is praising your dates over necessary dating etiquette. For example, texting back, opening the car door, and checking that you arrived home safely to name a few. With standards that low nobody can complain about getting less than stellar dating prospects. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards as they’re necessary while dating. However, set your standards a bit higher to weed out the non-committers from your dating pool.

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Being a Pick Me

I’m not going to lie I wasn’t as familiar with this deadly sin previously. I honestly had to ask a few friends what this was. In a nutshell, it’s someone who screams desperation. They will say and do anything to get someone to date them. Even if that means settling for less and not having their requirements met. Dating has become so challenging that it’s hard for people to maintain positive. It’s essential to stay with a positive mindset at all times while dating. Things can be bleak and then turn around in an instant. Never settle as forever is too long of a time to be miserable.

Holding on to Past Hurt

Remember the old saying the best way to get over someone is being with someone new. I personally only agree with that statement if you’re ready to move on. Making others pay is played out, and we’re too grown for that. Your date has nothing to do with the situation, so why should they suffer? Do the right thing like Spike Lee and don’t start until you’re emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally healed. Otherwise, you will be helping to create more damaged people, and there’s enough of that.

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Consistently Inconsistent

That is a term I coined to describe someone who can’t consistently be present, but who will pop up from time to time. They will send that dreaded “I miss you” text or the classic “Hey stranger.”Ugh please do us all a favor and go away like the dinosaurs. Nobody wants or needs that in their lives. If you don’t have time to date, then be an adult and say that. I have a better idea: DON’T DATE until you can devote time to it. Overly simple right. It will avoid so much drama and make dating so much easier.

Lying

Of course, this deadly sin is apparent, but I would be remiss if I didn’t put it on the list. The whole point of the dating phase is to see how things would pan out on a romantic level. If you’re dishonest during this phase that pretty much describes what someone would look forward to in the future. We all tell little white lies. For example, I ate pizza when I stated I would eat salad as apart of my new diet. If a person lies about something significant like where they work and not having kids. Those are red flags that are too glaring to be ignored.

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Rushing

It’s essential to remember that while dating the purpose is to get to know someone and see if a relationship can build based on similar interest. None of this can occur when rushing comes into play. That could mean after the 2nd date ready to move in together. Some people may feel that’s too soon, while others are all for it. You have to take the time to figure the other person out before determining the best way to proceed. Making sure both parties are moving at a healthy pace will make the dating phase more comfortable and enjoyable.

That’s my list on the seven deadly sins of dating. I’m thinking about revisiting this sometime in the future to add more. Let me know your thoughts, and what are some of your deadly sins of dating? Please rate, comment, share, and subscribe.

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Happy dating!

 

 

Mental Breaks Are Underrated

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It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. I must admit that I found it extremely difficult to be creative these past few weeks. Absolutely nothing was inspiring, nor had I felt compelled to write. I searched the internet to find something to assist with overcoming writer’s block. I found helpful information, but nothing was still working. I felt like at this point; my blog was over. It would cease to exist, and then a loss in viewership followed by a decline in followers. I turned to nature to gain some inspiration. I figured the issue must be my surroundings. I need to change my environment to aid in my writer’s block. That would help for a bit, but I still had no energy to write anything. Anything that I did write wasn’t worth publishing, to be honest. There was no passion in the content, so I didn’t bother completing it. Honestly, I have no idea how I managed to write this piece. An idea finally came to me, I put pen to paper and went for it.

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The whole point of all that rambling is that it’s okay to take a break. Sometimes you need to step away to make things better. There’s nothing wrong with realizing you don’t have it, nor do you need to for that matter. Listen to your body when it’s trying to tell you something. My body was letting me know how emotionally, physically, and mentally drained it was. I’ve been on the go for about a month and a half. The only thing I was doing is work, work, and more work. When I get like this, I find it very difficult to stop and smell the roses. It may have something to do with not being in a relationship, so I don’t have much to occupy my time. I keep saying I need to stop doing that and live life better. It’s easier said than done let me tell you. However, if I don’t make a considerate effort, I’ll continue to fail miserably at it.

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We all make excuses myself included about how I’ll do it tomorrow or only if I had more time. The truth is there’s not always tomorrow and the best time is the present. Start planning that trip, try out that new restaurant, respond to that unread message and most importantly use those vacation/sick days. You can’t show up for others until you show up for you first.

Happy soul searching!

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The Meaning of Life

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I think about it often to what the meaning of life is all about. I understand that this statement is cliche, but I still wonder about it often. There has to be more to life than work, bills, and debt. Life has to be more than getting up doing mundane things daily and not having a real purpose. The reason why I’ve been thinking about this is due to the latest episode of Pose. *Spoiler alert* One of the main characters, Candy, is murdered in a run-down motel room. The episode featured Candy coming back as a ghost and speaking to a few of the main characters. One of the things she said to Angel was to live your life and don’t have any regrets. I feel that to be free in life; you have to live it to the fullest. When you are long gone, do you want to be remembered for what you accomplished or how you enjoyed your life? You can be alive but not doing what you want will kill you long before you die physically.

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One of the things I started to do was manifest what I want and allow the universe to make things happen for me. I stated that at the beginning of this year that I would travel and go out more. I have made both of these things happen so far. I have been enjoying life and living it up! I have already experienced things that I could only dream of, and it paid off. As Will Smith said, “The other side of fear is outside of your comfort zone.” I took this saying to heart, and I’m noticing significant results. Also, I stated that this is the year that I would finally get the promotion I’ve been wanting. So far, I’ve been on four interviews and praying that this last one will be my opportunity. However, if it doesn’t happen, it won’t stop my shine. Whatever is for me won’t pass me. At the same time, you have to put yourself out there for opportunities to come your way. You can’t sit on the sidelines and wonder why what you want isn’t happening. The universe won’t grant your wishes if you don’t put in the work and put your best foot forward.

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I understand that it’s easier said than done to stop listening to the naysayers and live your life to the fullest. Of course, people will call you crazy for what you’re doing. You must realize that once you stop caring, what others say life becomes so much easier. The main person that you should be focusing on is you. Other people will feel threatened by the fact that you’re taking life by the horns and how comfortable it makes you. Most people don’t know how to deal with that as it’s not something that they experience daily. They’re too busy complaining about why things aren’t happening for them or being negative about everything in life. It’s not about why things happen, but how you react to it. Remember if at any point in your life you don’t like the story then change the narrative. You’re the author of your life, and you can change the story when necessary.

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Get out there and live more!

 

10 Fun Facts about Thkeya

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I thought this week it would be fun if I told everyone fun facts about myself. Sometimes it’s excellent to break up the severe topics and introduce some excitement into this blog now and then. My thought is that it would be interesting to learn more about the woman behind the blog. I put together ten fun facts about me as a way for you all to get to know me a little better. Feel free to share your comments about this post and let me know if you would like to see more post like this in the future. Next time I’ll be back with the typical topics that you have grown accustomed to but for now, enjoy the information below.

  1. Traveling

I love to travel and experience new places around me. I’ve learned a lot about myself while traveling, particularly as it pertains to solo traveling. I learned how resilient I can and how quickly I can adapt to new surroundings. I believe this has contributed to my growth and maturity that I have displayed within the last year.

  1. Music

I am a lover of all music, and I’m the wrong person to ask for my music on a road trip. My iPod goes from Prince to Fleetwood Mac. I’m not joking at all about that. Depending on whom I’m traveling with, I will create a playlist which will play the type of music; I know that person would enjoy. Otherwise, I would just let the iPod play on shuffle and get in the zone. People would be surprised that I am a huge Celine Dion fan. I saw her for the first time in Vegas in January. I loved every minute of it! I’m looking forward to seeing her again as she puts on a good show. If you have doubts about seeing her do it. You won’t regret seeing her at all. Also, the latest artist that I am obsessed with is St. Vincent. I was fascinated with her performance at the Grammy’s earlier this year. I listened to her most recent album as well as her back catalog. I’m ready for new music from her.

  1. Horror Conventions

Many people are shocked to learn about my interest in horror movies. I have been a horror fan for as long as I could remember. Two of my favorite childhood movies are The Witches and Hocus Pocus. That is where my interest in horror and fantasy truly started to take form. Then, of course, I discovered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Many of the jokes in her first film went over my head as I was very young when I first saw it. I am a massive fan of hers even to this day. I first went to see Elvira last year at my first horror convention. Not sure why I haven’t been to them in the past, but I’m head over heels now. I’m addicted to them, and I can’t wait to attend more. I have been to 4 so far, and I’m going to visit my 5th  horror convention in 8 days. The best part about it is that I will have a professional photo op with Elvira in full costume. I am beyond excited as Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) doesn’t dress up as Elvira often anymore. It is on rare occasions, and I’m not going to miss out on this opportunity.

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  1. My favorite color is purple

Purple has been my favorite color all my life. I associate this color with royalty and being queen like. When I’m down and not feeling the best, I look at the color purple and remember to fix my crown. There are so much strength and power associated with the color purple that it makes me love it even more.

  1. Reading/Writer

I am an avid reader, and I enjoy reading new things. Reading gives way to imagination and creativity that I otherwise would’ve given a second thought. Reading has helped me to become a better writer by learning how to engage your audience and how to structure a story in the most effective ways. Some people, even family, would be surprised to learn this next fun fact. I wrote a screenplay back when I was 11 years old. I vaguely remember what the story line contained. However, I can tell you it was horror related. I honestly have no idea why I didn’t study screenwriting in college. I guess I allowed the world to take away my creativity. Don’t ever let anyone do this to you. It is better to live a world of wonder that one of sorrow.

  1. Hopeless Romantic

I think everyone can pick up on this one based off reading my blog posts. I have a strong belief in love, and I’m not giving up on it. Even though it doesn’t seem to love me, especially not as of late, but I know it’s coming my way. Sometimes we go through things to better prepare ourselves for when the right person comes along. Also, if you don’t learn something, the universe will have you deal with it over and over until you do. It is crucial to keep an open mind when it comes to love.

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  1. Halloween is my favorite holiday

That is 2nd to my birthday, of course, but I am a massive fan of Halloween. It’s so much fun because I get to dress up as whomever I want and have the most excitement with it. There is so much variety when it comes to Halloween. You can dress up flirty or become a scholar. There is no shortage of costumes that you can wear during Halloween. Going to parties, haunted houses, and going to theme parks to celebrate Halloween is all apart of the fun. It’s the most fun you can have in one night, and I’m here for it.

  1. Seafood Lover

Some people would be surprised to learn that I am not a meat eater. The most that I would eat would be chicken and turkey. Having a burger on the grill is the best, so I would partake on that. You want to make me the happiest girl on Earth, find me a seafood spot and I’ll love you forever. I remember the 1st time I went to Ocean City, Maryland (which is a seafood lover’s dream), and the abundance of seafood everywhere was a cultural shock. I seriously had seafood withdrawals when I get back home. I had so much seafood, and all of it was fresh from that morning. If you are a seafood lover as well, you have to check out that place if you never been. You’ll thank me later trust me.

  1. Born and raised in Newark, New Jersey

I believe it’s important for people to know where you came from as it doesn’t determine how you will end up. People make the assumption that based on your zip code that will dictate where you will end up in life. Where you are from makes you who you are, and those lessons carry you through adulthood.

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  1. Learning instruments/ new languages

Not sure why, as a child, I never mastered an instrument. I have joy from music that I honestly can’t describe. However, it’s never too late to learn something new. Learning the piano and guitar are two instruments that I have an interest in learning to play. You never know I could become the next musical genius! Learning a different language would be cool as well. There are three languages that I want to learn. They are Spanish, French, and Italian. Also, it would be nice to speak a different language in front of other people, and they have no idea what I’m saying. It would be my little secret unless someone knows the language. Anyway, I think it would be a fun thing to learn as you never stop learning in life.

Those are my fun facts. I hope this was interesting and exciting for you to learn more about me. Enjoy your week, and I’ll chat with you next time!

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Dating Challenges

Getting back to dating after years of single hood can be somewhat of a challenge especially if you spent many years coming and going as you please. Once you’re in a relationship those dynamics quickly change and you have to embrace having a partner in your life. I felt vigorous about writing this post because I am currently experiencing this now. One of my dating prospects stated that he was concerned about my ability to include someone in my life. I have been independent for so long that it’s something he will keep in the back of his mind. Honestly, I was a bit shocked to hear this, but at the same time, I appreciate the sincerity. It was time for me to reflect on how I am presenting myself and what I could be saying as well. The messages that I’m putting across could be giving mixed signals that I didn’t anticipate. I would be saying I’m available and unavailable at the same time. That is not what I want, so I need to make some changes in this area. I had to set down with myself and examine what I could be exuding out to others.

The first mixed signal I was giving off was not wanting to give up on my current routine. I am a creature of habit. I would get off work, do my typical after work rituals and be okay with that. However, when you’re dating it is essential to learn to compromise. That is the first example of compromising that many people miss entirely. If you can’t compromise with making time to meet up for dates, then it’s not a good indication of starting a relationship. In my mind, I would instead make time when I’m not exhausted from work as I want to make a good impression. The other person doesn’t view it that way and thinks I’m not interested in dating. I prefer to plan dates on the weekend and days when I don’t have to work. On those days I’m more alert and present. Now I understand that this doesn’t come across the way I think it should. It’s a better idea to explain a little more about your thought process. Some jobs are more demanding than others so maybe dates during the week won’t work. It’s best to communicate and find ways to compromise that works best for everyone. Otherwise, people will come up with their own opinions, and it can impact a potential relationship.

Another mixed signal is that my plate is full in life and that I don’t have room for a partner. When my dates ask what my interests are I thought it was a great thing that I have so many things that I like. To my surprise, I come across as having too much going on and not enough room for a relationship. I even had one guy tell me that I come across as too independent and he doesn’t know what role a man could play in my life. I had male friends tell me that men like to feel needed and if that doesn’t occur they typically will not entertain a relationship. Now that I’ve been made aware of it I try my best to make sure to state that I want to incorporate my hobbies and interest with my partner. That way potential suitors don’t feel left out and that I don’t want to intertwine my life with theirs. Dating is all about could you see yourself potentially with someone, and if they aren’t presenting themselves as a candidate, it’s a turnoff. In the future, I need to be more mindful of what I’m saying as not to scare off my soulmate.

The last mixed signal is related to communication styles and being adaptive to them. In my current job, I talk a lot and often for the whole day. Of course, once I get home, I want to take a break and not be on the phone. Depending on the day I had I will want to talk more than other days. However, when you’re dating someone or trying to get to know someone communication is essential. The problem I have is at times I don’t want to be on the phone for hours. I struggle with trying to get someone to understand that because they take it as I’m not interested in them. Then I’ll try to speak with them anyway when I didn’t want to talk, and it sets a wrong impression. I try to explain why but sometimes they believe I’m making excuses not to communicate.

Another thing is adapting to the need for video chatting. I noticed many guys love to do it, but it’s cumbersome at times. Who wants to hold the phone for hours? I get it especially with online dating people want to make sure they aren’t involved in a catfish situation. However, there should be a compromise between video chat, texting and phone calls. Depending on someone’s day it can be easier to use another form of communication. I feel that I adapt pretty well to other people’s communication style even though I don’t always feel the same in return. I need to do a better job of explaining the nature of my career, so guys don’t think I’m blowing them off. I may have experienced a long day at work, and I feel like being in a mood to text only, and then tomorrow we can video chat. I have to do a better job of setting expectations around communication and compromising more often.

Dating already comes with its’ set of challenges as you learn to adapt to the other person’s expectations. You also have to be open and honest about what you’re expecting as well. Communication is vital as it solves about 90% of the problems that people face today. To overcome challenges, you must pay attention when they come up and correct them. Even though to you it may not be a bad thing but it comes across differently to other people. Be mindful of what you’re putting out there and if that has anything to do with the results that you’re experiencing. If you notice that the results in dating are less than stellar, then its time to self reflect. You could be doing things without even realizes it, and that could be hurting your chances for a relationship.

What are some of your dating challenges and how did you overcome them?

The Downfall of People Pleasing

I discussed the importance of self-care and self-love openly on this blog page. Honestly, at times I feel like a fraud because I’m not living up to the truth that I preach. One issue is that I tend to second-guess myself and scrutinized everything. I’m so concerned with making mistakes that not only do I still make them but they are worse than I could even imagine. The reason for this stress is due to my issue of people pleasing.  I get so worried about what my family may think or believe. I know it doesn’t matter what others say and it’s important to live your life for you. Trust me I get it, and I heard all those reasons before. However, when you’re always in your head none of that matters. You believe that no matter what decision you make it’s still the wrong one. If my choices are going to cause harm to those around me, then it’s best to avoid the risk. That is a horrible way to live and not the best way to view things.

I wish that I could say that I don’t care what family thinks of me, but it’s not true. I get down on myself because I want to be happier in life. Delighted people don’t focus on the opinions of others. Their primary objective is to ensure their happiness supersedes everything else around them. I can’t wait for that to me as I’m continuously struggling with this daily. The next few paragraphs are an open letter to myself about how I’m going to not only love myself more but how I will implement these changes. I hope that reading this will help others out there learn to do the same.

Thkeya what can I say we have been on this beautiful journey called life together for the past 33 years. You have made such a positive impact on the lives of so many around you. The sad part is nobody understands the pain that you deal with on the daily. You go from happiness to sadness as the wind blows. All of this nonsense is due to you not being happy within yourself. Your wants and needs have fallen to the wayside to help those in need. Especially if it pertains to your family, you will go above and beyond to help them. There’s nothing wrong with being there for them but what about you? Are your desires not of great importance? At some point, you have to take a break from saving the world and focus on you. Since you’re responsible and reliable, your family will often overlook being there for you. They don’t believe that you need assistance. Therefore, it’s hardly granted or asked.

You’re still human at the end of the day and not a superhero. You need to take your cape off to rest and regroup for your mental wellbeing. I know you’re worried because every time you do you feel like you’re selfish. In the famous words of  Iyanla Vanzant, “It’s selfish not to put yourself first.” I understand hearing all this is a lot for you. You’re most likely furious with me for even bringing this up. I don’t care what you want to hear because you need to listen to this. If you don’t make changes NOW, it will have dire consequences for you. Resentment is close to creeping in, and that’s a horrible sign. Some changes need to occur, and I’m begging you to make them sooner than later.

Of course, I would never leave you with all this to unpack and not try to help you implement changes ASAP. The first solution is to continue with therapy. I know it’s scary and you felt like you can do all this on your own. Well, therapy will help with these new demons that are coming to the surface. You need the proper tools to help deal with the range of emotions that you’re experiencing. I know you want to say you got this, but it’s a more prominent sign of strength to say I need help. Anyone who puts you down about this decision doesn’t need to be in your life period. You will gain more confidence, and that radiance that is inside will be shining out even more.

The second solution is following your heart and trust your instincts more. You know what’s best for you so stop doubting yourself. It’s exceptionally frustrating to watch you go over and over a decision when you got this. Kill the self-doubt and follow your first mind. It’s boring not taking risks anyway. The third solution is to stop waiting for a mythical time in the future to do something. The best time to do it is NOW! If you hold on for a great time to happen in life then literally nothing will ever occur. That’s not how life works. You don’t get to follow down this smooth path with rose petals. It’s bumpy, messy, confusing and filled with heartache along the way. The best you can do is pray for a perfect outcome and figure it out if it doesn’t happen. The fourth and final solution is to stop caring about what others have to say. I don’t care if it’s your 4th cousin twice removed let that negative energy go. I know it feels like you ‘re getting picked on and that’s why you take it to heart. Stop allowing it to affect you and see how quickly those opinions dissipate. The reason why they are so prevalent is due to you giving it attention. Once people know that you aren’t breathing life into their views, then there’s no reason to share them.

That was a lot to handle so take a few deep breaths. Meditate and get yourself ready to tackle these solutions head-on. The best way to implement these changes is to start small and work your way down. As you get through the first solution, then the next will be much easier to follow. I want the best for you, and I can’t see you hurting anymore. Please do yourself a favor and choose happiness always. Like Anthony Hopkins said, “None of us is getting out of here alive.” Based on that notion living in true happiness is the only way to go.

I love you, and I’m very proud of you. I choose you forever and always without question nor hesitation.

Xoxo

Me, Myself and I