Dating Challenges

Getting back to dating after years of single hood can be somewhat of a challenge especially if you spent many years coming and going as you please. Once you’re in a relationship those dynamics quickly change and you have to embrace having a partner in your life. I felt vigorous about writing this post because I am currently experiencing this now. One of my dating prospects stated that he was concerned about my ability to include someone in my life. I have been independent for so long that it’s something he will keep in the back of his mind. Honestly, I was a bit shocked to hear this, but at the same time, I appreciate the sincerity. It was time for me to reflect on how I am presenting myself and what I could be saying as well. The messages that I’m putting across could be giving mixed signals that I didn’t anticipate. I would be saying I’m available and unavailable at the same time. That is not what I want, so I need to make some changes in this area. I had to set down with myself and examine what I could be exuding out to others.

The first mixed signal I was giving off was not wanting to give up on my current routine. I am a creature of habit. I would get off work, do my typical after work rituals and be okay with that. However, when you’re dating it is essential to learn to compromise. That is the first example of compromising that many people miss entirely. If you can’t compromise with making time to meet up for dates, then it’s not a good indication of starting a relationship. In my mind, I would instead make time when I’m not exhausted from work as I want to make a good impression. The other person doesn’t view it that way and thinks I’m not interested in dating. I prefer to plan dates on the weekend and days when I don’t have to work. On those days I’m more alert and present. Now I understand that this doesn’t come across the way I think it should. It’s a better idea to explain a little more about your thought process. Some jobs are more demanding than others so maybe dates during the week won’t work. It’s best to communicate and find ways to compromise that works best for everyone. Otherwise, people will come up with their own opinions, and it can impact a potential relationship.

Another mixed signal is that my plate is full in life and that I don’t have room for a partner. When my dates ask what my interests are I thought it was a great thing that I have so many things that I like. To my surprise, I come across as having too much going on and not enough room for a relationship. I even had one guy tell me that I come across as too independent and he doesn’t know what role a man could play in my life. I had male friends tell me that men like to feel needed and if that doesn’t occur they typically will not entertain a relationship. Now that I’ve been made aware of it I try my best to make sure to state that I want to incorporate my hobbies and interest with my partner. That way potential suitors don’t feel left out and that I don’t want to intertwine my life with theirs. Dating is all about could you see yourself potentially with someone, and if they aren’t presenting themselves as a candidate, it’s a turnoff. In the future, I need to be more mindful of what I’m saying as not to scare off my soulmate.

The last mixed signal is related to communication styles and being adaptive to them. In my current job, I talk a lot and often for the whole day. Of course, once I get home, I want to take a break and not be on the phone. Depending on the day I had I will want to talk more than other days. However, when you’re dating someone or trying to get to know someone communication is essential. The problem I have is at times I don’t want to be on the phone for hours. I struggle with trying to get someone to understand that because they take it as I’m not interested in them. Then I’ll try to speak with them anyway when I didn’t want to talk, and it sets a wrong impression. I try to explain why but sometimes they believe I’m making excuses not to communicate.

Another thing is adapting to the need for video chatting. I noticed many guys love to do it, but it’s cumbersome at times. Who wants to hold the phone for hours? I get it especially with online dating people want to make sure they aren’t involved in a catfish situation. However, there should be a compromise between video chat, texting and phone calls. Depending on someone’s day it can be easier to use another form of communication. I feel that I adapt pretty well to other people’s communication style even though I don’t always feel the same in return. I need to do a better job of explaining the nature of my career, so guys don’t think I’m blowing them off. I may have experienced a long day at work, and I feel like being in a mood to text only, and then tomorrow we can video chat. I have to do a better job of setting expectations around communication and compromising more often.

Dating already comes with its’ set of challenges as you learn to adapt to the other person’s expectations. You also have to be open and honest about what you’re expecting as well. Communication is vital as it solves about 90% of the problems that people face today. To overcome challenges, you must pay attention when they come up and correct them. Even though to you it may not be a bad thing but it comes across differently to other people. Be mindful of what you’re putting out there and if that has anything to do with the results that you’re experiencing. If you notice that the results in dating are less than stellar, then its time to self reflect. You could be doing things without even realizes it, and that could be hurting your chances for a relationship.

What are some of your dating challenges and how did you overcome them?

A Different Approach to Dating

All my friends would tell you that I’m terrible at dating. What can I say I’m a hopeless romantic. I typically date one person at a time, and it hasn’t been working out too well for me. I get emotionally invested too early, and by the 2-3 month time frame things fizzle out. I believe this is due to not developing a real connection and the fact that around that time your representative leaves. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, and after time they start to become more comfortable. That is when the real them comes to the surface. I find myself in trouble around this time because I didn’t allow for the relationship to flourish naturally. I rush into things due to infatuation which doesn’t last as it’s not substantial. Of course, things don’t continue if you haven’t taken the time to get to know someone. Plus you have to spend more than 1-2 days a week to understand someone. Consuming small amounts of time with someone not only delays the emotional connection needed for a relationship but you don’t know the person either. If you don’t know who you are dealing with then how can you say you want to be with this person. Getting butterflies for someone is great but slow down a bit to determine true compatibility.

My friends have told me time and time again that I need to date multiple people. For some reason, some people think this means having relations with everyone that you’re dating. That is not what this means at all. Honestly, this is a way if you to date many different personalities at once and see which one is the best fit for you. Another added benefit is that it helps to keep your emotions in check. Especially if you are someone like me, this can aid you in your dating experience. I was curious to see what others had to say about this topic, so I conducted mini online research. Many guys and girls were entirely against dating multiple people. Some of the responses that I read stated that they don’t want to be an option and other people said you wouldn’t be emotionally invested in the relationship progressing. One response I thought was a big shocker was when someone is dating multiple people they aren’t viewed as looking for a serious relationship.

All of these reasons were a surprise to me, but particularly the last one gave me pause. If you are in the beginning stages of dating someone you have no idea of where things will land, of course, this person will date other people as the whole purpose is to look for their future husband or wife. How can you demand exclusivity without having that conversation first? Truthfully, when you meet the right person, you will naturally start to cut off the other people as they aren’t what you want. In dating it’s important to have an honest and open dialogue. Don’t put others down just because you don’t agree with their dating methods. Ask the right questions and if it doesn’t jive with you then find someone else on the same wavelength as you.

Whatever dating method you decide to partake in; be honest with the people you’re pursuing. It’s essential that they know and understand why you’re taking this approach. This conversation can also clear up any misunderstandings that someone may have. Due to the hookup culture that we are in is the reason why dating multiple people gets a bad rap. Explaining why it’s vital for you can make a difference in people understanding you better. For example, I went on a first date with this one guy, and it went very well. I had a few horrible first dates before this, so it was refreshing. When I texted later on that evening to say I made it home okay that’s when things went left. He proceeded to tell me that I’m everything he’s looking for and he wants to make me his woman ASAP. Typically I would be all over this and be ready to be in another relationship that ends in a few months. Because I am dating other people, I didn’t allow my emotions to get involved just yet. I’ve only known this guy for three weeks, and we don’t interact every day. I only see him once a week due to scheduling conflicts. If we had been spending more time and speaking more regularly than maybe I would entertain a relationship with him.

However, since that is not the case, I told him to pull back a bit and let things naturally play out. He gave the typical responses of you are scared and so am I. I’m not like other guys so don’t compare me to them. Seeing is believing and since that hasn’t occurred yet this is all talk as far as I’m concerned. There are things that I saw about him that I didn’t like and I ultimately decided that it wasn’t going to work. If I didn’t date multiple people, I would’ve missed all the red flags. Some may not agree with my approach, but so far it’s working out for me. I respect the one on one method, but I think it’s better suited once you decide to be exclusive. Otherwise, you are putting all your eggs in one basket for a person you haven’t determined is right for you yet.

What are your thoughts on the approach of dating multiple people? Do you agree or disagree? What are some of the methods that you use to deter yourself from getting invested too soon?

Happy dating!!!!!

The Effects of Ghosting

There was this guy I met over this past summer. We started to connect, and I thought there was a chance of a relationship growing. However, he ghosted me for 3-4 months, and I haven’t heard from him until Thanksgiving. The way he contacted me out of the blue was a bit confusing to me. I understand he was going through some personal issues and that contributed to him ghosting me. At the same time, it’s important to keep in contact as a lot can happen in short time frame. I went to fashion week, moved to a new apartment, visited Cuba for a vacation, and entered into a new relationship.  All of this occurred within the same 3-4 month time frame. I felt terrible because I was able to hear the disappointment within his voice. But this reminded me of why it’s important to stay in contact with people. If there is someone you are interested in don’t ghost them and expect them to be around later. People have lives and will move on when they see you are aren’t around. If you are experiencing something in life be honest about what’s going on. Give the other person chance, and they may still want relationship with you. Keep in mind that communication in any form calls, text,face time, email, etc. has to occur.  A lack of communication will have an impact on any potential relationship.

Most importantly if you do ghost someone don’t just show up as if nothing happened. Acknowledge that you went ghost, explain what occurred, and be open to whatever role that person has for you. For example, if they are involved, you will be just friends, maybe they still are interested in you, or they want nothing to do with you. Be understanding of what the person says and if it doesn’t work for you then move on. Proceed with caution if an option for a relationship is still on the table. Since this person went ghost the last time be sure, it was a one time thing and not daily occurrence. You don’t want to get in a situation and find out your committed,but not the other person isn’t. What are some of your ghosting stories? Did you date or dating someone that ghosted you at first? Rate, comment, and share!

I’m looking forward to reading your comments.

Until next time,

Improving Your Romantic Outlook

You should treat others the way you want them to treat you. If you want people to be honest with you, then you should do the same in return. If you don’t want to be hurt by others, then you shouldn’t do the same. It always amazes me how people are so quick to play the victim role but can’t accept the responsibility they play within their demise. For example, if I keep having bad relationships with men at some point, I need to reevaluate within myself why I keep attracting these type of men. I can make a general statement saying that all men are evil when it’s my horrible choices that are leading me to that conclusion. There is the segue to my topic of this blog post about continuously picking the wrong partners to date. I’m not calling anyone out as I have been guilty of it myself, but once you know better, you will do better. The first step of moving on from any situation is learning to treat the disease and not just the symptoms.

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The first thing I want you to consider is how you view yourself. Never mind how others feel about you but how do you feel about yourself? Do you put yourself down and call yourself terrible names? Understand that you are hurting yourself when you do this. Having negative thoughts about yourself can subconsciously be exuded externally and keep you from attracting the mate you want. Then others will start to feel the same way, and you will become less attractive as a result of that. Nothing is sexier than a person who has confidence within themselves and believes they are the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not saying be a jerk about it, but you have to have a strong sense of self if you want to attract someone of a higher caliber. You can’t believe you are worthless and then expect a potential suitor to think differently. Since self-esteem is an internal issue, you have to make sure you work through any of those issues before getting into a relationship. Nobody can correct this but you. Seek counseling if necessary but work through this immediately. The more broken relationships your experience, the more of a beating your self-esteem will take.

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As you grow within your career and personally your dating life should reflect that. Often we get comfortable within certain social circles because that is what we have always known. However, once you start to grow those areas that once interested you, unfortunately, do change. There’s nothing wrong with this, but nobody tells us nor prepares us for the transition to come. You most likely complain and I know I have about the lack of options out there. The conclusion I came up with is I’m looking for love in the same places I always have. The areas I’m frequenting I won’t find a professional man there so who is really to blame for my situation. You can’t do the same things you always did and expect a different result. You have to expand your options, and yes attend that networking event your friends have been trying to invite you to for months. You have to step outside your comfort zone if you want to meet Mrs. or Mr. Right.

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I hear people say and myself included that I want a man to drive XYZ and work within a particular field. Guess what? The things I was asking for I didn’t even have myself. It’s important to make sure the things you want in a partner are things you can provide as well. I think it’s unrealistic to demand your partner to a higher standard, but you don’t have the same demands on yourself. I took the time to soul-search and prepared myself for when my husband finally arrives. If the right person walked into the room right now would you be ready for that person? If you can’t honestly say yes, then you have work to do. It’s a corny saying, but you have to be the partner that you want. Remember everything you are looking for someone else wants the same. If you are unable to provide those same qualities, then you will continue to date the wrong people. Don’t look at your single hood as a bad thing. Use that time to self-reflect on becoming a better you. Once the right person comes along, you will be more than ready for your last relationship.

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Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. Please share on social media and with your friends/family.

Until next time,

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Dating Red Flags

Dating red flags to avoid in order to meet your King or Queen

Stating that dating is challenging is an understatement. I’m trying to stay positive in a world that seems bleak takes an intense amount of courage. One of the most significant issues I have with dating is the amount of lying that occurs. It’s incredibly sad how much people have to pretend or put up a facade in the dating world. It comes across very selfish and manipulative as this person is only interested in getting their needs met. Some people lie because if the truth came out, it wouldn’t produce the desired outcome. Honestly, find people who aren’t looking for anything serious if that’s your wish. Don’t make decisions for others. I swear that is my biggest pet peeve. Let me decide what I want for myself. I decided to compile a list of red flags that you may encounter while dating. Of course, this doesn’t include all of them, however, if you come across these run quickly in the other direction. The person you are dealing with is trouble with a capital T.

You call the person, but they respond back to you with a text

When this occurs, you are either dealing with a person who is married or has a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. This behavior is very shady as you can’t reach the person on the phone, but they will text you to death. I know texting is how people communicate nowadays, but you should be able to engage in phone conversations. If you are unable to have a phone conversation, then you need to inquire why that is the case. If the situation doesn’t improve after multiple discussions, then it’s time to move on.

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It’s challenging to plan meetups

Once you are interested in someone, the natural thing is to schedule an outing. That is a telling sign if it’s becoming a chore to meet up with your potential mate.  There may be work or other family obligations that are possibly happening. However, be wary of how long it takes to meet up finally. You need to find someone who has time to devote to a relationship and not someone who treats it like an afterthought.

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Contacting you last minute for a date

I understand that everyone is busy but please have respect for people’s time. Don’t think it’s okay to ask for a date on the very same day. The other person may or may not be available. If you are taking the other person seriously, you will make yourself available to them. However, when on a constant basis you are being asked on a date last minute it’s time to move on. Most likely this person is seeing someone, and when things aren’t going well, they will turn to you for comfort. Be with someone who makes you a priority instead of an option.

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Afraid to discuss the future

When you are dating someone, and things are going well at some point, the conversation about becoming long term should come up. When you are hearing, let’s see how things go, and I’m not looking for anything serious please move on. A person who is serious about a relationship doesn’t have an issue with discussing the future. In fact, that person may bring it up before you do. If a relationship is your goal don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t feel the same.

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Ghosting You

During the dating phase, you start to spend a lot of time together as the connection for each other starts to grow. Then all of a sudden the unthinkable happens, and you stop hearing from the other person. Things in life come up so, in the beginning, you brush it off as no big deal. After a few days and then weeks it becomes clear that the other person has disappeared on you. The behavior is known as ghosting, and it happens more often than you realize. I believe this is the coward’s way out when the other person’s feelings change, and they would rather not discuss it. There is a possibility that the other person could’ve experienced a family emergency. However, this is the reason to send out a text to alert someone of what’s happening. The best way to get over this is to continue to live your life. If that person does hit you up without an explanation, please ignore them as they don’t deserve your presence.

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Moving too fast to become physical

Of course, you want to date someone that you find attractive. That is not only common sense, but that determines compatibility as well. Why would you want to spend forever with someone if a connection is lacking? With keeping that in mind there is a time and place for everything. When you are sincerely trying to date the last thing on your agenda is jumping into the bed with someone. If this is what you want, please make that known. Things shouldn’t be moving in the physical department while you are still getting to know each other.  Sometimes people get excited and move in that direction. If once you explain this and nothing changes, then you have your answer. Anyone who is rushing this has something to give, and it’s something you don’t want. A person of high quality will not force this as they understand that once they develop a deep connection, then the physical aspect will occur. There’s no need to move fast as it tends to cloud your judgment. Wait to see what type of person you’re dealing with as time reveals all things.

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After reading these red flags keep them in your mind as you date. I had my share of these signs, and it helped to get me away from some dangerous situations. Of course, these don’t all occur at the same time, so it’s important to keep these handy as a reference. I’m sure there are a lot more signs, but these are the ones that I experienced the most. What are some red flags that you encountered? How did you avoid dating red flags in the past? Please share your comments and your experiences below.

Until next time,

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Paralyzed

I write poetry as well, and I wanted to share with you a poem that I composed. Periodically I will share my poems on this blog while staying true to the relationship-centric view of my page. The poem that I am going to share today is entitled, “Paralyzed.” This poem is about domestic violence occurring within a relationship. I hope that this poem will resonate with someone and give them the courage to walk away from the situation before it’s too late. Also, please share this poem with anyone who may need to read its contents.

 

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Too Close to Home

I was on a high from attending my first Monster Mania Con that I just knew this past week would go well. As I got further into the week, things became more and more hectic. Unfortunately, for me, I can’t seem to have good things happen without something terrible happening right after. It seems to be the Universe way of saying since you are happy at the moment I will ruin it. I told myself this year I would remove drama from all aspects of my life. I will not allow myself to be involved in anything that doesn’t bring pure joy to me. Life is too short and being around negativity is not worth the wasted effort. Who wants to be around drama and misery all the time?  I know for sure I don’t want that to be apart of my life. I’m going off on a tangent so let me get back to the point of this post. I thought I got rid of this particular ex in my life, but every time I turn around he keeps reaching out. If it’s not one thing, it’s other. It’s starting to come across as if he is obsessed with the thought of us getting back together. I seriously just want to be left alone and move on with my life. Drama just follows and consumes him, so I need to remove myself from the situation to have inner peace.

The best advice that I can give anyone in my situation is never to eat where you lay. Which means don’t date someone that is too close to your current residence. Trust me you are asking for trouble if the relationship doesn’t work out. You are in a constant state of should I move or should I not move. Of course, this will only be an issue if the person you are dealing with doesn’t know how to keep their distance. Honestly, don’t even take the chance as the flip side could have dire consequences. It’s challenging to try to move on when you have the constant reminder of your last relationship nearby. Plus once you begin a new relationship, your ex will be there to witness your budding romance. Who wants to deal with that once you are trying to start something new? Sometimes the best course of action is to move away and start a new life elsewhere. This way you can avoid all of the potential drama and be able to move on stress-free. I wish I would’ve done this earlier as it would have helped me to avoid the issues that occurred this past week.

My advice is to avoid a situation like this at all cost. It may sound like a great idea at first because you can see that person more and plan outings more often. However, the cons outweigh the pros in this type of situation.  If the relationship doesn’t work out, you may start to wonder about your safety. You will begin to wonder if this person is mentally unstable and will they turn out to be a stalker. It’s a lot easier to avoid someone when they don’t live nearby. You may feel the constant fear of being watched or followed by your ex. You will try your best to watch out for yourself and to make sure you aren’t in harm’s way. Unfortunately, your ex- boyfriend/girlfriend lives in the same area so that person has a right to be there as well. The only way to make yourself feel comfortable is to move to another location. That may sound drastic but if that is what the situation calls for then so be it. I hope the examples I gave drives home the point of avoiding this situation altogether. Trust me you will thank me later if you do. Have you been in this situation before? How did it work out for you? Drop some comments below and let me know your thoughts.

Until next time,

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