children – Thkeya's Reflections on Life

Importance of Setting Boundaries

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One thing that I have always struggled with is setting boundaries. I was too busy with being concerned about people liking me and avoiding conflict. Now that I’m self-reflecting, I have realized now more than ever how essential setting boundaries are. Not only does it help prevent conversations that make you uncomfortable, but it also keeps your privacy to yourself. The fewer people that know your business, the less likely you have to worry about information getting out. I came up with four steps to help with setting new boundaries within your relationships.

Decide Which Boundaries to Set
Before you can set boundaries, you need to determine what your limits need to be. Get a pen and paper to write down your limits and to whom each category represents. For example, finances and dating are off-limits to parents for discussion. Follow this exercise for others, such as friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. Doing this will help with oversharing information as well. Conversations should be a dance, and if it’s turning into a solo act, you’re sharing too much. Having boundaries will help you with not sharing details before it’s safe to do so.

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Start Implementation of Your Boundaries
Now here comes the fun part of implementing the new boundaries that you set. It won’t be easy at first, but people will learn to adjust over time. You will most likely get backlash from folks closest to you but stick with it. People who love you will respect your boundaries after some time. Start with someone who will be least resistant to your limits. That will give you the confidence to continue down this new path. Don’t give up easily if people start to provide you with a hard time. People will try to see how far they can go, but enforcing your boundaries will let them that’s not possible.

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Continue to Reinforce Your Boundaries
The best way to keep people on board with your boundaries is to continue to enforce them. Once someone tries to overstep, you have to shut it down immediately. Also, people need to know there are consequences to their actions. For example, if you told someone that dating was off-limits and they continue to push, the result is that they don’t get to speak with you. I understand that sounds harsh, but you have to put your foot down. People need to respect the boundaries you have set forth. However, if you don’t consistently enforce your limits, people will walk all over you. You have to be intentional for people to understand why your boundaries are vital for them to follow.

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Reassess Your Boundaries as Needed
As life changes, so should your boundaries. There may be new topics to add or old ones to remove. Whichever way it goes, continue to reevaluate your boundaries. Make sure you do this often to avoid conflict when a topic comes up that you weren’t expecting. For example, a newly married couple will receive unsolicited advice from different people. It can even become overwhelming at times. When a new life event like this occurs, your boundaries need to include it. That way, people will understand that every new life event is not up for discussion. If you do decide to share, it will be your choice to do so.

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Setting boundaries can sound scary if you never did it before. It can seem like a difficult undertaking at first, but it’s worth it in the end. I recently started implementing boundaries, and it’s working out great. I’m not forcing myself to discuss or do things I’m not necessarily comfortable doing. The beautiful thing about boundaries is that it helped me improve my self-care and improve my overall mental health. Boundaries are helpful because it sets expectations of what topics you will share and which ones are off-limits. Don’t look at it as a bad thing, but something beneficial in the long run.

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Be sure to check out the discussion questions below before you go, and I’ll chat with you in the next blog.

Do you have boundaries set up? What type of challenges did you face while implementing your limits?

Surviving The Holidays

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It’s that time of the year where it can be stress-inducing or fun times with family/friends. Some people look forward to the holidays while others look for an exit. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the holidays either gives you feelings of intense joy or misery. No fear because I’m going to help you with surviving the holidays. Take a look at my six steps below to have the best holiday ever! As always, let me know your thoughts and share your tips with others to help them improve their holiday as well.

Time Limit

If there is a particular family member who pushes your buttons or you can only handle them in small doses, then you need to set a limit on how long you will stay. You can schedule prior engagements around family time so you can give a heads up that you will be leaving early. For example, you can let the family know ahead of time that you will stay one to two hours. This way, people won’t be surprised once you head out of the outing. You will create a win/win situation. You get to hang out with family, but you don’t have to stay longer than required. Great way to keep your mental health in check while getting that family time in for the holidays.

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Self-Care

One thing people tend to forget about is self-care during the holidays. It’s essential to listen to your mind and body during this time. If your body is tired, it’s best to get that much-needed rest. Remember the old saying health is wealth. If you aren’t feeling your best, you won’t be interested in spending time with friends/family. Of course, the holidays adds even more stress that you don’t need. Start to use some self-care tools such as journaling, spa, meditation, etc. The point is to get centered and feel great, so you can be your best while enjoying the holiday season.

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Significant Other/Children

One of the biggest reasons people dread being around family is annoying questions about children and a partner. I get these questions often, and I brush it off. It took me a while to get to that point, but no worries if you haven’t reached this level yet. People are naturally curious and nosy. Once you reach a certain age, people expect these things to have occurred. Remember doing something in your own time is okay. It’s nobody business why something hasn’t happened yet. Just because everyone has done it, doesn’t mean something is wrong if you haven’t. Don’t even engage when these conversations come up. I noticed that the more you focus on it, the more people would poke at you. Once you ignore people, they tend to leave you alone. If you find that doesn’t work, let this person or people know if they don’t back off, then you will limit your interactions with them. Once folks see you mean business, that should get them to back away. If not, these are people you need to move away from your life.

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Budgeting

When it comes to Christmas people, tend to go all out. At the same time, it’s important to remember your life outside of Christmas. Don’t go broke playing Christmas as your bills aren’t interested in the gifts you brought for others. The bills are still due regardless of the holidays coming up. If you have to set limits for how much you can comfortably spend, speak up about it. The true meaning of the season is the thought, not the amount of the gift. If it’s going to cause you financial hardship, it’s not worth it. Let people know upfront about your budget requirements. The folks who love you won’t mind if you require a cap on the gifts this year. If anyone does give you grief, that’s someone to take off your list. You don’t need ungrateful people in your life.

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Creating New Traditions

One of my favorite things about the holidays is existing and creating new traditions. As we age-previous traditions may lose its luster or it doesn’t hold the same significance. The great thing about the holiday is you can always create a new tradition. You see more instances of Friendsgiving is becoming more popular is a result of new traditions. People also have ugly sweater parties and girls night in Christmas pajamas. It’s another way to get into the holiday spirit while creating a new tradition that can get passed down. I created new traditions myself. I ask friends to come over to help me decorate for Christmas, and I wear Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve while wrapping last-minute gifts, and I have my friends (myself included) wear ugly sweaters during our gift exchange. These little joys help to get me in the holiday mood and avoid being a Scrooge. Helping to create traditions has helped me with learning to appreciate Christmas more than I have. As a child, you focus on the gifts, but as an adult, it’s more important to spend these precious moments with loved ones.

Cherish The Moments

I saved the best for last. I know the holidays can be a drag, but remember, it’s a blessing to have folks who get on your nerves. I know a few of you of said, “What,” but hear me out. Some people have nowhere to go on the holidays. That could be due to circumstances or life in general. The beauty of you having friends/family is that you can change things for the better at any time. These moments you can’t get back. There are no rewinds or do-overs in this life. If a simple sorry or I forgive can change the outcome, then let it. It’s not worth going through another holiday being upset with each other. Love a little more, and spread good holiday cheer. If you need encouragement, volunteer at a soup kitchen this holiday season. That would quickly help you to put things into perspective. Enjoy your time with your family, especially if you only see them once a year. That’s even more of a reason to cherish every moment.

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Do you think any of these tips will help? What are some tips you use to survive the holidays? Share your thoughts below.

Stop Wasting Your Own Time

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I’m sure by now you saw the pictures of the singer Cassie who is now married and pregnant. She spent the last ten years dating Diddy. Everyone kept saying that Diddy wasted her time, and they’re happy she moved on. I’m delighted for her as well. Judging by the photos, it appears that she’s in the right place. I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the elephant in the room. Diddy didn’t waste her time unless she permitted him. That statement may be triggering for some but hear me out first. At any time Cassie could’ve walked away. Once she saw Diddy wasn’t going to give her what she wanted, then exit stage left. We can go and go about what people are doing to us but what about what we allow? You tell others how to treat you by what you will enable them to do. It’s easier to curve behavior when it’s not a habit. Once it’s committed to memory, it’s challenging to get someone to change.

I’m sure Cassie spent many days telling Diddy her expectations. I remember Diddy stating in interviews that he didn’t want to get married, nor did it appear that he wanted more children. The ball was in Cassie’s court to decide the next steps to make. She decided to stay, and now ten years later, she wanted out to pursue what she wanted. Nothing wrong with moving on, but she allowed herself to wait that long. Going after what you want is a smarter choice to make, as it will make you much happier. Telling someone that you aren’t buying what they’re selling is a liberating feeling. Remember, you aren’t asking for too much, you’re asking the wrong person to provide it. Maybe Cassie stayed to see if things would turn around. I’m not going to fault her for that as we all did that at some point. There comes a time when you have to accept responsibility for your actions. You don’t have control over anyone else but yourself. If someone isn’t doing something to make you happy, it’s time to move on.

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That’s the reason why a man can date a woman for six months and propose whereas he’ll date another woman for ten years. Men know who they want when they want. Ladies, we need to notice when the writing’s on the wall, it’s up to us to make a decision. The decision isn’t always up to men, and women have a say as well. You can’t stay in a sub-par situation and put all the blame on the other person. You decided to stick around, so you have to own your consequences. I get the feeling that Cassie knows this, and that’s why she’s not bashing Diddy.

I’m writing this for the folks who blame Diddy when Cassie wasted her own time. Person accountability is a step that most people won’t take. However, it’s smarter to own your part instead of playing the blame game. Learn from your mistakes so you can avoid this same mishap in the future.

What are some examples of you wasting your own time, and how did you resolve it?

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Opposites Attract

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Opposites Attract

Top 10 Goals for 2019

I think it’s important to not only discuss your goals but have a plan to execute them as well. A goal without a plan is a wish as the saying states. To keep me honest I felt that I would utilize this post to detail my top goals for 2019. I thought that I would not only list out my goals but how I plan to execute them as well. I will keep you posted on my progress throughout the year. Please call me out as well if I don’t mention any of my goals after this post. I need to be accountable if I’m going to accomplish them. Also, knowing that other people are reading this is giving me even more motivation. We all need that extra push and seeing this in plain black and white is a great motivator.

My goals for the year are:

1. Travel More

Last year I stated that I would travel once a quarter. I achieved just that, and I would like to continue that into 2019. I accomplished this goal by having a travel fund and adding it into my budget to save money for my travel activities. I will continue to plan out all my travel activities to ensure that I have adequate funds to participate.

2. Purchase Real Estate

I know at first this sounds like I mean home, townhouse, or condo. That would be nice, but that’s not what I’m going to have. I want to open my own business. Being an entrepreneur is something that I have discussed for the longest, and this will finally be my year to accomplish this goal. I want to purchase a building to start my financial service business. I want to teach others in my community how to manage their money, learn more about stocks/bonds, retirement and credit solutions. I want others to be more financially independent as a way to generate wealth. The way to break the curse of poverty is by creating wealth through real estate. I saw a video by a CPA that stated that the way to generate wealth is via the tax code. That is how many people pay less in taxes and create equity. To achieve this, you would need to be knowledgeable and having your credit/savings in order. In the next few months, I am going to reach out to a realtor to help with finding the right place for my business.

3. Publish my Poetry Book

I have been working on this book for as long as I could remember. I’m sure my friends are tired of me talking about this book and are ready to read it already. I will be granting your wishes as 2019 is the year for this book to see the light of day. I will be self-publishing the book which I am very nervous about since I have no idea what to expect. I have to make sure every detail down to the cover looks perfect. I can’t wait for everyone to see the finished product as I’m so proud to show it off. Look out for my book later this year at an Amazon near you.

4. Start a New Job

I have been at my current employer for nine years well ten this year, and it’s time for a change. One thing that worries me is getting stagnant staying at one place too long. At this point, I feel like I have plateaued in my current team. I still have things that I can contribute however I’m not learning nor growing anymore. I have overstayed my welcome, and it’s time to move on to greener (hopefully) pastures. I have been comfortable for so long, and that is the reason why I stayed. Therefore, it’s time to step outside of my comfy zone and look forward to looking for a new role. I will start applying for a job internally and post my resume on LinkedIn to get eyes to my talents.

5. Fall in Love (Fingers crossed)

My love life is on my list every year and every year I fail miserably. This time I am saying no more, and I am going to make a considerable effort to make sure it happens. One of the issues that I have is not dating with a purpose. I’ll state what I want, but I don’t follow through with it. For example, I want someone who is ready and will make time for a relationship. Then the guy will give a sob story, and I’ll forgive them for nonsense. I don’t listen to my gut when I notice red flags but brush it off as if I’m overreacting. I am not and if that guy can’t make time then move on. This year I will be more intentional about what I want, and whoever can’t fall in line then exit stage left.

6. Start a YouTube Channel

I have a channel that I started years ago, but I stopped uploading to it. I tried to recreate the magic again with a past boyfriend, but that went left very quickly. However, I’m going to revamp the channel that I started years ago. My new angle is around reviewing the things that I like such as Halloween, discussing the topics from this blog, rants, or other random things that are of interest. This channel will be an extension of my blog and vice versa. I believe this will be a great way to showcase my personality in the visual sense to the world. I’m going to implement a schedule within the next few months detailing the days that I will be posting videos.

7. Grow My Blog

I want this blog to grow to its fullest potential. For that to occur, I need to be more consistent with uploading content. I started to achieve this goal by planning out my blog topics for each month beforehand. I should have applied this method sooner as it is beneficial. I am just writing away as I know what I will be discussing. I need to draw more attention to my blog via social media as having an online presence is paramount for driving more traffic. I also plan on attending or creating speaking engagements as a way to draw more attention to this blog. This blog is fantastic and more people need to see what I have to offer. If there are any places that you know is looking for someone, please contact me and let me know.

8. Create an App

I want to create an app for Apple Store and Google Play. I have a few ideas which I don’t want to give away on here (shhh), but I have been teaching myself how to code in my downtime. I still have a lot of things to learn, but this has always been a passion project of mine. My mentor knows someone who works in the Technology space and app application is one of his expertise. I plan on networking with this person so I can learn more about this area and get my idea out to the market.

9. Finish my First Draft of my Graphic Novel

I have been working on this graphic novel even longer than my poetry book. Many people aren’t even aware that I had this novel in the works for years. I’m tired of not displaying my talent, and it’s time for this novel to reach the light of day. This draft will most likely take me the rest of the year to finish, but I’m determined to get it done. I plan on creating a list of items that I have left which will include deadlines for completion. Otherwise, this will never get done if I don’t create a project plan to complete this draft.

10. Attending More Horror Conventions

Attending more conventions is an easy goal as I’m the biggest horror fan ever! I already have one convention planned for this coming March and looking forward to more this year. There is another one in Dallas that I’m thinking about checking out in May while I’m there visiting a friend. Of course, I’ll be looking for more as I’m completely addicted to them. It’s like a candy store for a horror fan. It’s all the things you love in one place. What could beat that?

What are your goals for 2019 and how do you plan on executing them? How do you keep yourself motivated? Let’s help each other achieve our goals for this year!

Protect Black Girls

I watched the first two episodes of “Surviving R. Kelly,” and I was punching the air. I was disgusted by what all these women described, and my heart goes out to them. They were very brave to share their stories, and I pray that they continue to lead productive lives in spite of what has occurred. This story brought up many emotions in me, but one, in particular, is related to anger. Black girls are not even thought of when it comes to matters of sexual abuse. There are countless stories of abused black girls, and it gets swept under the rug. When things like this happen to other girls, it makes national headlines, and there is a public outcry. What about black girls? Do their lives not matter? It raises even more questions about why in the black community do we protect the abuser instead of the abused. There is that one uncle that is a little too friendly, or you hear family members speak about not letting a specific person babysit. Let’s take it a step further to mom’s new boyfriend/husband or even the pastor. It’s that guy that hangs out at the school that graduated many years ago or picking up a young girl from school. It’s the guy that has a preference for young girls or a hiring manager telling a potential hire how badly do you want this job? I can go on and on with a gamut of situations. Everything goes back to why is this allowed to continue?

The worse part of it all is women victim blaming other women for their sexual abuse. They will be very quick to say she’s fast or she deserved it based off how she dressed. It doesn’t matter how someone looks or acts. They can be butt naked walking down the street. Nobody has a right to touch or harass them in any way. As a society, there is too much victim blaming, and the anger should be towards the person who deserves it. When will protection for the abusers STOP?! Every person who is aware of a black girl who is victimized and does nothing is just as guilty as the person committing the crime. Please stop having girls go around their abuser pretending as nothing happened. That is hurtful and insulting to their mental wellbeing. You are in essence telling them to accept toxic behavior and don’t expect anyone to come to their aid. Being silent is also telling girls that their only purpose is for the sexual gratification of men. This brainwashing mentality then gets passed down to the next generation and so forth. Break the cycle now and stop protecting these revolting men and have them locked up.

Some things you can rehabilitate from, but pedophilia is not something that I believe you can turn around (my opinion). One of the hardest things for survivors to deal with is people calling them liars. Once you do finally get over the guilt/shame and then to be called a lair is disheartening. I can think of many things to lie about but being sexually abused is not one of them. You are scrutinized and deemed as a deviant so who would want that drama. Put your pride to the side and loneliness to protect your child. Single mothers especially need to be careful as someone could date you to get close to your daughter. We all could be more vigilant and be more cautious about who we let around our children. Also, we need to create an avenue when girls speak out about being abused that help at the forefront. Support is going to the police and getting therapy to name a few ideas. It takes a lot of courage to speak out. If more girls saw that it was safe to tell their truth, it will help others to say theirs as well. Not everyone who smiles in your face has good intentions. Stop protecting these abusers as speaking out can save someone else’s life.

What are your thoughts on the R. Kelly situation? Have you dealt with this or know someone who has? If so, what was the outcome? What are some ideas that we can do as a community to prevent this from happening in the future? Let’s continue the dialogue in the comment section below. FYI I know that many girls are impacted by sexually abused. I’m calling out black girls due to the backlash that these brave women were receiving online from speaking out about R. Kelly.

Until next time,

Improving Your Romantic Outlook

You should treat others the way you want them to treat you. If you want people to be honest with you, then you should do the same in return. If you don’t want to be hurt by others, then you shouldn’t do the same. It always amazes me how people are so quick to play the victim role but can’t accept the responsibility they play within their demise. For example, if I keep having bad relationships with men at some point, I need to reevaluate within myself why I keep attracting these type of men. I can make a general statement saying that all men are evil when it’s my horrible choices that are leading me to that conclusion. There is the segue to my topic of this blog post about continuously picking the wrong partners to date. I’m not calling anyone out as I have been guilty of it myself, but once you know better, you will do better. The first step of moving on from any situation is learning to treat the disease and not just the symptoms.

The first thing I want you to consider is how you view yourself. Never mind how others feel about you but how do you feel about yourself? Do you put yourself down and call yourself terrible names? Understand that you are hurting yourself when you do this. Having negative thoughts about yourself can subconsciously be exuded externally and keep you from attracting the mate you want. Then others will start to feel the same way, and you will become less attractive as a result of that. Nothing is sexier than a person who has confidence within themselves and believes they are the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not saying be a jerk about it, but you have to have a strong sense of self if you want to attract someone of a higher caliber. You can’t believe you are worthless and then expect a potential suitor to think differently. Since self-esteem is an internal issue, you have to make sure you work through any of those issues before getting into a relationship. Nobody can correct this but you. Seek counseling if necessary but work through this immediately. The more broken relationships your experience, the more of a beating your self-esteem will take.

As you grow within your career and personally your dating life should reflect that. Often we get comfortable within certain social circles because that is what we have always known. However, once you start to grow those areas that once interested you, unfortunately, do change. There’s nothing wrong with this, but nobody tells us nor prepares us for the transition to come. You most likely complain and I know I have about the lack of options out there. The conclusion I came up with is I’m looking for love in the same places I always have. The areas I’m frequenting I won’t find a professional man there so who is really to blame for my situation. You can’t do the same things you always did and expect a different result. You have to expand your options, and yes attend that networking event your friends have been trying to invite you to for months. You have to step outside your comfort zone if you want to meet Mrs. or Mr. Right.

I hear people say and myself included that I want a man to drive XYZ and work within a particular field. Guess what? The things I was asking for I didn’t even have myself. It’s important to make sure the things you want in a partner are things you can provide as well. I think it’s unrealistic to demand your partner to a higher standard, but you don’t have the same demands on yourself. I took the time to soul-search and prepared myself for when my husband finally arrives. If the right person walked into the room right now would you be ready for that person? If you can’t honestly say yes, then you have work to do. It’s a corny saying, but you have to be the partner that you want. Remember everything you are looking for someone else wants the same. If you are unable to provide those same qualities, then you will continue to date the wrong people. Don’t look at your single hood as a bad thing. Use that time to self-reflect on becoming a better you. Once the right person comes along, you will be more than ready for your last relationship.

Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. Please share on social media and with your friends/family.

Until next time,

Dating Red Flags

Dating red flags to avoid in order to meet your King or Queen

Stating that dating is challenging is an understatement. I’m trying to stay positive in a world that seems bleak takes an intense amount of courage. One of the most significant issues I have with dating is the amount of lying that occurs. It’s incredibly sad how much people have to pretend or put up a facade in the dating world. It comes across very selfish and manipulative as this person is only interested in getting their needs met. Some people lie because if the truth came out, it wouldn’t produce the desired outcome. Honestly, find people who aren’t looking for anything serious if that’s your wish. Don’t make decisions for others. I swear that is my biggest pet peeve. Let me decide what I want for myself. I decided to compile a list of red flags that you may encounter while dating. Of course, this doesn’t include all of them, however, if you come across these run quickly in the other direction. The person you are dealing with is trouble with a capital T.

You call the person, but they respond back to you with a text

When this occurs, you are either dealing with a person who is married or has a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. This behavior is very shady as you can’t reach the person on the phone, but they will text you to death. I know texting is how people communicate nowadays, but you should be able to engage in phone conversations. If you are unable to have a phone conversation, then you need to inquire why that is the case. If the situation doesn’t improve after multiple discussions, then it’s time to move on.

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It’s challenging to plan meetups

Once you are interested in someone, the natural thing is to schedule an outing. That is a telling sign if it’s becoming a chore to meet up with your potential mate. There may be work or other family obligations that are possibly happening. However, be wary of how long it takes to meet up finally. You need to find someone who has time to devote to a relationship and not someone who treats it like an afterthought.

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Contacting you last minute for a date

I understand that everyone is busy but please have respect for people’s time. Don’t think it’s okay to ask for a date on the very same day. The other person may or may not be available. If you are taking the other person seriously, you will make yourself available to them. However, when on a constant basis you are being asked on a date last minute it’s time to move on. Most likely this person is seeing someone, and when things aren’t going well, they will turn to you for comfort. Be with someone who makes you a priority instead of an option.

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Afraid to discuss the future

When you are dating someone, and things are going well at some point, the conversation about becoming long term should come up. When you are hearing, let’s see how things go, and I’m not looking for anything serious please move on. A person who is serious about a relationship doesn’t have an issue with discussing the future. In fact, that person may bring it up before you do. If a relationship is your goal don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Ghosting You

During the dating phase, you start to spend a lot of time together as the connection for each other starts to grow. Then all of a sudden the unthinkable happens, and you stop hearing from the other person. Things in life come up so, in the beginning, you brush it off as no big deal. After a few days and then weeks it becomes clear that the other person has disappeared on you. The behavior is known as ghosting, and it happens more often than you realize. I believe this is the coward’s way out when the other person’s feelings change, and they would rather not discuss it. There is a possibility that the other person could’ve experienced a family emergency. However, this is the reason to send out a text to alert someone of what’s happening. The best way to get over this is to continue to live your life. If that person does hit you up without an explanation, please ignore them as they don’t deserve your presence.

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Moving too fast to become physical

Of course, you want to date someone that you find attractive. That is not only common sense, but that determines compatibility as well. Why would you want to spend forever with someone if a connection is lacking? With keeping that in mind there is a time and place for everything. When you are sincerely trying to date the last thing on your agenda is jumping into the bed with someone. If this is what you want, please make that known. Things shouldn’t be moving in the physical department while you are still getting to know each other. Sometimes people get excited and move in that direction. If once you explain this and nothing changes, then you have your answer. Anyone who is rushing this has something to give, and it’s something you don’t want. A person of high quality will not force this as they understand that once they develop a deep connection, then the physical aspect will occur. There’s no need to move fast as it tends to cloud your judgment. Wait to see what type of person you’re dealing with as time reveals all things.

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After reading these red flags keep them in your mind as you date. I had my share of these signs, and it helped to get me away from some dangerous situations. Of course, these don’t all occur at the same time, so it’s important to keep these handy as a reference. I’m sure there are a lot more signs, but these are the ones that I experienced the most. What are some red flags that you encountered? How did you avoid dating red flags in the past? Please share your comments and your experiences below.

Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)

The Price of Motherhood

During this past week, Cardi B announced her pregnancy with her first child. Congratulations to her as babies are an incredible blessing. The comments that I kept seeing online were appalling to me. Many people were saying that it’s too early in her career to have a child and others were saying that her career will fail once she gives birth. These comments sadden me as comments such as these are never told to men when they become fathers. A man’s career, as well as his life, isn’t impacted at all when becoming a father. In fact, children are not only seen as a blessing but as a way for a man to mature as well. I believe the way that society views men are the reason why their lives don’t change when they become fathers. A man is supposed to be a provider, and if that role is lacking, then he is seen as a deadbeat. Whereas if women have a career and aren’t home, she is looked down upon as an awful mother. Therefore, this way of thinking reinforces the view that women should be in the house with the children. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom. However, women shouldn’t be made to feel that still pursuing a career after a baby is wrong to continue.

Due to societal woes and what family may say many women will put their family plans on hold for their careers. I am one of those women as I keep waiting for a perfect time to start a family. I want to make sure that I won’t be an absentee parent. Another major factor is the financial aspect as it is very costly to raise a family. Then you want to be in a two-parent household as it’s essential to raise a child with both parents. The list goes on with how many reasons I could come up with for the waiting game to continue. Of course, waiting too long comes with its own set of challenges, but that’s another post for another day. My main point here is that women feel the need to compartmentalize their entire lives before starting the family. There are no issues with that, but one must recognize that life doesn’t fit neatly in a little box. One must be flexible as life takes on many shapes and sizes. You have to be able to roll with the punches and have faith that everything will work out. If things don’t work out as planned, you will figure out what needs to occur to get you back on track.

What I learned from this Cardi B situation is that there is no right time to do anything. Honestly, if you are waiting for a proper time, you will be waiting forever. Yes, there may be an ideal time to do something, but the way life goes who knows when that will happen. If you are ready to start having your family, then go for it. Others may feel that you are making the wrong decision, but it’s yours to make. Also, don’t believe that you have to give up your hopes and dreams just because you are a mother. Children are a blessing and not a burden. Children can be a great motivator and will energize a woman to work even harder to support her family. Salute to all the women out there who are working hard to take care of their children while still pursuing their dreams. I am proud of you and continue to shine on all these haters out there. Your motherhood is a strength and not a weakness. View motherhood as another form of representation of you but not all that you can do.

Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)

Living to the Beat of Your own Drum

I was sick this past week, so I had a lot of time to think while I was recovering. I wonder why people are very concerned with other people’s lives. I mean in the sense that a person isn’t living their life according to society’s standards. For example, once a woman enters her thirties if she isn’t married with children she is shunned by other people. It doesn’t matter where the displeasure comes from. It could be either from romantic prospects, family, friends, or even complete strangers. It’s like you are constantly being judged based off how your life is going at the moment. Maybe you planned on being married with children at some point, and it hasn’t occurred yet. Nobody knows what specifically is going on in your life, and it is best not to speculate. Please allow people to live their lives on their own terms.

I have been told that my downfall in my romantic life has been due to my career. That I chose my career over focusing on romance in my life; which is not the case at all. I had relationships throughout my career, which didn’t work out as I hoped. This gave the impression that marriage was something that I didn’t want. Being that my career is in the IT field; it has made it difficult to date. Most romantic prospects have an issue with my work schedule. The men I came in contact with in the past complained that they couldn’t be spontaneous with me nor plan dates. I tried the best that I could to make my schedule be as flexible as possible; however, those efforts didn’t seem to be acknowledged. I lucked out now, and I found someone who completely understands my crazy schedule. He has the same issue, so this is something that we are both working through. With patience, we can really see where things will grow and lead to.

Another question I get asked a lot is when I will purchase a home. For the life of me, I don’t understand why people think I don’t want to purchase a home. Seriously, I would’ve purchased a home already if I could. Not only is a down payment needed for a home, but there is a massive amount of upkeep that is required. I don’t have the necessary funds that I’m comfortable with to become a homeowner. Also, I would really like to purchase a home with my husband as we prepare to start a family. This is a dream of mine, and I hope it turns out that way. If not, at the very least I need to be in a better financial standing to support a home. Being a homeowner on one income is extremely difficult to maintain. I would like to have multiple strings of income coming in to support all of my future endeavors before purchasing a home.

There is the timetable that society has and then there is the one that life has. The old adage goes, “Man plans and God laughs.” You may plan for things to go one way and life takes you down a rabbit hole. After you go through the twist and turns of life; you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt. However, this doesn’t mean that you stop living your life when things occur out of the order you anticipated. Don’t allow what other people feel you should do dictate what occurs in your life. You can still get married, have children, get a stable career, have financial security, and purchase a home well into your thirties. You are not a failure if you achieve these things later in your life. Also, don’t feel pressure to hurry up and start knocking these items off your list. That could, unfortunately, have dire consequences. It is best to allow things to happen when they are supposed to. Until the time comes, enjoy your life and live it to the fullest. You want to be ready for marriage, and a family instead of wishing to relive your previous life.