Dating Red Flags

Dating red flags to avoid in order to meet your King or Queen

Stating that dating is challenging is an understatement. I’m trying to stay positive in a world that seems bleak takes an intense amount of courage. One of the most significant issues I have with dating is the amount of lying that occurs. It’s incredibly sad how much people have to pretend or put up a facade in the dating world. It comes across very selfish and manipulative as this person is only interested in getting their needs met. Some people lie because if the truth came out, it wouldn’t produce the desired outcome. Honestly, find people who aren’t looking for anything serious if that’s your wish. Don’t make decisions for others. I swear that is my biggest pet peeve. Let me decide what I want for myself. I decided to compile a list of red flags that you may encounter while dating. Of course, this doesn’t include all of them, however, if you come across these run quickly in the other direction. The person you are dealing with is trouble with a capital T.

You call the person, but they respond back to you with a text

When this occurs, you are either dealing with a person who is married or has a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. This behavior is very shady as you can’t reach the person on the phone, but they will text you to death. I know texting is how people communicate nowadays, but you should be able to engage in phone conversations. If you are unable to have a phone conversation, then you need to inquire why that is the case. If the situation doesn’t improve after multiple discussions, then it’s time to move on.

blur-car-cellphone-230554

It’s challenging to plan meetups

Once you are interested in someone, the natural thing is to schedule an outing. That is a telling sign if it’s becoming a chore to meet up with your potential mate.  There may be work or other family obligations that are possibly happening. However, be wary of how long it takes to meet up finally. You need to find someone who has time to devote to a relationship and not someone who treats it like an afterthought.

2018-agenda-black-273011

Contacting you last minute for a date

I understand that everyone is busy but please have respect for people’s time. Don’t think it’s okay to ask for a date on the very same day. The other person may or may not be available. If you are taking the other person seriously, you will make yourself available to them. However, when on a constant basis you are being asked on a date last minute it’s time to move on. Most likely this person is seeing someone, and when things aren’t going well, they will turn to you for comfort. Be with someone who makes you a priority instead of an option.

administration-adult-african-1089563

 

Afraid to discuss the future

When you are dating someone, and things are going well at some point, the conversation about becoming long term should come up. When you are hearing, let’s see how things go, and I’m not looking for anything serious please move on. A person who is serious about a relationship doesn’t have an issue with discussing the future. In fact, that person may bring it up before you do. If a relationship is your goal don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t feel the same.

close-up-date-indoors-168784

Ghosting You

During the dating phase, you start to spend a lot of time together as the connection for each other starts to grow. Then all of a sudden the unthinkable happens, and you stop hearing from the other person. Things in life come up so, in the beginning, you brush it off as no big deal. After a few days and then weeks it becomes clear that the other person has disappeared on you. The behavior is known as ghosting, and it happens more often than you realize. I believe this is the coward’s way out when the other person’s feelings change, and they would rather not discuss it. There is a possibility that the other person could’ve experienced a family emergency. However, this is the reason to send out a text to alert someone of what’s happening. The best way to get over this is to continue to live your life. If that person does hit you up without an explanation, please ignore them as they don’t deserve your presence.

date-handwriting-notebook-760725

Moving too fast to become physical

Of course, you want to date someone that you find attractive. That is not only common sense, but that determines compatibility as well. Why would you want to spend forever with someone if a connection is lacking? With keeping that in mind there is a time and place for everything. When you are sincerely trying to date the last thing on your agenda is jumping into the bed with someone. If this is what you want, please make that known. Things shouldn’t be moving in the physical department while you are still getting to know each other.  Sometimes people get excited and move in that direction. If once you explain this and nothing changes, then you have your answer. Anyone who is rushing this has something to give, and it’s something you don’t want. A person of high quality will not force this as they understand that once they develop a deep connection, then the physical aspect will occur. There’s no need to move fast as it tends to cloud your judgment. Wait to see what type of person you’re dealing with as time reveals all things.

adult-affection-beard-842546

After reading these red flags keep them in your mind as you date. I had my share of these signs, and it helped to get me away from some dangerous situations. Of course, these don’t all occur at the same time, so it’s important to keep these handy as a reference. I’m sure there are a lot more signs, but these are the ones that I experienced the most. What are some red flags that you encountered? How did you avoid dating red flags in the past? Please share your comments and your experiences below.

Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)

Being Present in Dating

I always felt as if I put my career before my love life. Not on purpose but this took up space in my life when other things were missing. Then at one point, I was pursuing my Master’s degree while working full time. I tried my best to date, but I didn’t have much time to dedicate to developing a relationship. Instead, I turned to dating emotionally unavailable men as a short time solution to having companionship. Of course, this is not to say this was the best option but this is all I could commit to at the time. Now I’m starting to notice that despite the change in job title my dating life stayed the same. I am currently in a better position to date. However, I am still running into emotionally unavailable men. I am upset that this keeps occurring as I’m ready for a more meaningful relationship. For the first time, I am looking at myself to examine this issue. The only thing that these men have in common is me, and I have to look at myself to figure out what I’m exuding to the world. I don’t like the current picture, so I have to change the channel so to speak.

I have to change my current behavior if I want to experience better results. For example, due to my work schedule from a few years ago to just a month ago, I was only able to dedicate about two days a week to a relationship. To develop the type of relationship I want more time is needed to care and nurture it. In the past, due to work obligations, I wasn’t able to accomplish more than this. However, this is no longer the case and my attitude towards being present needs to be updated. I’m currently struggling to be more available and open to letting someone in my life. All this time I thought I was open when it was a façade that was coming across. You can’t just say the words, “I’m available” but you have to be open and willing to let love into your space. Nobody wants to feel as if they are wasting time while dating you. If you are unable to make the time, then you can’t expect someone to stick around waiting for you.

My ultimate goal is to not only have a lasting relationship but a deep one as well. I’m looking forward to the day of sharing my life with my husband and children. Before I get to that aspiration of mine, I must realize I am my own biggest obstacle. I have to be more open and ready for love to come my way. Due to past hurt, this has been challenging, but since real love is what I’m looking for, I have to put those fears to the side. I can’t let my fear of the unknown keep me from love. If you are the opposite of the type of mate you are seeking, then you will stay in a constant cycle of confusion. Be ready, open, and willing to let that special someone in your life. You never know what may happen and the person of your dreams will be prepared to love when you are. Hurry up you don’t want to keep them waiting any longer.

Until next time,

keya's life-001

 

Haters Disguise as Friends

People who claim to be your friend but who are really jealous of you behind the screen.

It is true that as you age your friendships will begin to evolve. Some people that you were once close to may not even be your friends in a few years. Then other people who were mere acquittances may become close like family. I remember hearing this would occur when I was younger by many relatives, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized how true this statement is. An old friend of mine recently accused me of changing into a new person. The thought of her accusation is baffling to me as I believe that becoming a better person is a beautiful thing.  Anyway, she reminded me of how in the past I was ill-tempered and easily angered. I acted this way because people viewed me as a bit of a push-over. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be a push-over, but there are better ways to handle yourself in stressful situations. I haven’t always dealt with issues in the most favorable light. I knew I needed to change this about myself and I worked on it. I thought my old friend would be happy to see my growth and be proud of the woman I became. Instead, the reaction that I received was that I became a counterfeit of my former self. At that moment I knew that my friendship with her had run its course. There is no way I could continue on my current journey with her still in my life. We have become two different people, and our current paths no longer intersect.

Every day you should be growing and learning continuously. The people in your life should hopefully, be doing the same thing. Don’t tolerate your friends’ judgments if they feel as if you are growing and leaving them behind. At that moment realize that these people are only in your life for a season. Once their season is up, please let them go! You will hurt yourself trying to keep people in your life who no longer should be there. Being the same person you were years ago sounds like a miserable existence. I understand being comfortable, but at some point, you need to elevate yourself. Of course, growing should be done gradually to ensure that not only can you keep your momentum going, but your development will continue. Telling someone that they changed and it was for the better is such an asinine statement, and people like that don’t deserve to be apart of your “Glow-Up.”

Another issue I experienced with this same “friend” is passive aggressiveness. I don’t have any problems with speaking my mind. I would dare to say that my openness has gotten me into trouble in the past. That was something that I knew I had to work on and I made a conscious effort to think before I speak. It hasn’t always worked out flawlessly. However, I am a work in progress. Please excuse the sidebar and let me get back to the point I was making. If you have a dispute with what a friend did or said then, please speak up about it. Don’t pretend to have moved on from the situation if all you will do is turn petty later on. Here are some examples of being petty, backhanded comments, doing a favor but complaining the whole time and my all time favorite getting upset when someone can’t drop their whole life for you.

The last example of pettiness I just experienced recently by this same “friend.” I was planning on a special Valentine’s Day with that special guy in my life. I wasn’t sure at the time which weekend he wanted to celebrate since the holiday falls on a weekday this year. I stated to her let me get back to you, and once I find out, I’ll let you know if I could attend your event. She was very dismissive of me and stated nevermind forget I even asked. This type of behavior is entirely unacceptable for an adult to act and the passive aggressiveness is beyond ridiculous. If you ever find yourself behaving like this just speak to the person that is causing you heartache. If that person genuinely cares about you, then both of you should be able to work through the situation like adults.

If you have friends in your life that get upset every time you try to express yourself, then you need to get new friends. Real friends will not dismiss your feelings, and they will make an effort in correcting the behavior. When people care about you, the last thing they want is for you to feel any hurt or pain. Please let me reiterate if you are currently dealing with people like this in your life let these people go. These type of people will do nothing but bring you down and then accuse you of being the negative person. Get rid of these toxic people in your life, and you’ll thank me later.

Until next time,

keya's life-001

The Fear of Starting Over

Falling deeply, madly in love with someone is a petrifying experience. The vulnerability that you feel is most terrifying. However, the love that you have for that person is worth all of the anxiety you feel. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person and the thought of living without them causing you unmeasurable pain. To hear those four words, “Will you marry me?” is something most women will long to hear. Unfortunately, for me, I didn’t get my happily ever after.

After a completely romantic proposal that was everything from my wildest dreams quickly came crashing down on me. I found out not even a month later that the love of my life wasn’t ready to get married. To say I was devastated would’ve been an understatement.  He felt pressure from his family to propose and he claimed he didn’t want to keep me waiting for a proposal. To be honest, I never pressured him and at that time I was so in love I would’ve waited forever for him. However, what he failed to realize was his deception would cause residual effects that I’m still experiencing today.

I was so hurt, confused, mislead, and most importantly I felt unworthy of love. How could someone who claimed to love me hurt me this way? I lost all faith in people especially when it came to men. Every person whom I came in contact with was scrutinized with a fine tooth comb. I got involved in situations that I had no business being in. Remember what I said last week, “Hurt people will always hurt others around them.” I was involved with men who were horrible for me, but I let my fear of desperation get the best of me.

Everyone kept telling me that I needed to start dating again. People don’t understand how it feels to go from being engaged to newly single. You often wonder if you will ever find love again or if marriage will ever be a possibility. Also, it doesn’t help that I had a few bad relationships since my engagement ended. I started to experience a serious bout of depression. I didn’t want to interact nor did I want to be around family and friends. I started to distance myself from the people who know me best because I was ashamed to admit what was taking place in my life. My depression had spiraled out of control that I even attempted suicide. At this point, I knew I needed help and I wasn’t going to be able to deal with all these emotions on my own.

The next step for me was attending therapy. This was a scary thing for me to do, but overall I made the best decision possible. I honestly don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for therapy. I had to learn how to love me again and not to look to someone else for my happiness. This is something that I am responsible for and I am the person that can change the course of my life. Therapy helped me to realize that each experience in life is a lesson learned. Things will be okay if they don’t work out as life goes on. It will be devastating of course, but not life-threatening.

The biggest lesson of all that I learned is that forgiveness is most important. Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true. It means letting go of past hurt in order to move forward in your life. From my therapy sessions, I became a stronger and wiser woman. I’m so proud of the person I am today. If you need therapy for any reason, don’t be afraid to seek treatment. You never know how it could change your life.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I do know that I’m finally ready for it. It took a long time, but I can’t wait to see the outcome. Starting over is an overwhelming task, but it can be the most rewarding experience. Give yourself a chance to see how it goes. You never know what may be waiting for you around the corner.

 

 

First blog post

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

Welcome to my very first blog post! My intention with creating this blog is to be able to write out my thoughts and share them with others. There maybe something that I write that may have a profound impact (I hope) or just help you with your day somehow. I would like to learn from you as well. Please don’t be afraid to leave comments on each post or send me a private message. I would very much like to hear from you.

Fortunately, life doesn’t come with a set of rules that one must follow in order to live it the best way. The thing is that is all relative to the individual as each person will view things in their own way. What about the people who are afraid to go after their dreams and continuously live their lives for other people? For those people you are the reason why I started this blog. I started this blog for you, because I’m just like you. As a matter of fact I am YOU.

Instead of living for others, let’s do what we want and stop being so apologetic about it. Life is very short and we don’t have a lot of time on this Earth. With that being said let’s live life the way we want and on our terms. Don’t worry if others don’t agree with what you want to do, because they are jealous that you have the guts to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Having the courage to speak up for yourself can be scary, but the alternative let’s face it is a very miserable existence.

The picture for this post speaks specifically to what I hope that everyone whom visits this page leaves with. It’s okay to tear down something and start over. Life is not about how many times you fall down, but how many times do you get back up. You are the artist of you life and you have the power to change the picture at anytime. Don’t allow others to dictate to you what the canvas of your life should look like. You are constantly creating your vision and only you can say how/when it is completed.