Being an empath can be incredibly exhausting. I feel other people’s energy, and if the vibe isn’t right, it throws me completely off. I have been meticulous lately about who I let in my life. I don’t want to be in a situation where my energy is draining, or I feel uncomfortable around someone. I never want to make people feel uncomfortable, even if that’s my current emotion. Fast forward to recently; I started to date again. I know the dreaded dating scene. However, I’m going into it with a fresh perspective. I have a clear mindset of what I’m looking for in a mate. Previously I said I was looking for XYZ, but my potential suitors didn’t fit that match. That was my fault and not theirs.
I have an issue with saying no to people. My biggest fear is making someone feel like I don’t care for them or for them to feel useless. When it comes at the expense of your sanity, it’s hardly worth the effort. Saying no isn’t selfish, but saying yes to everything is. Think about it for a second. If you answer yes, even when you aren’t in the mood or not feeling the environment, who is hurt by this? Anything that directly impacts your mental health is not worth the effort.
You aren’t meant to be everyone’s cup of tea and vice versa. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. You can meet someone and instantly develop a connection, and for other people, it doesn’t exist at all. That doesn’t mean that something is wrong. All it means is that the two of you didn’t hit it off. Why force something that’s not working? I have never understood that way of thinking. Protect your energy and peace. If someone doesn’t understand this, then that person shouldn’t be in your life. The worst thing to be is misunderstood, and having someone not trying to understand you is even worst.
It’s a better use of time to spend it with like-minded people or people who have your best interest. Time and energy are very sacred pieces of yourself. Share life’s experiences with people who want to understand and have a place in your heart. Don’t hold onto temporary people as you will end up hurting yourself in the end.
What are some ways that you practice protecting your energy/peace?
Not sure if any of you seen the video circulating of Madea (Tyler Perry) discussing letting people go. If you haven’t seen it, I’m sure you can find it on YouTube. It’s a fascinating video. The jest of it states that you need to determine who’s in your life for a season or a lifetime. Some people’s primary purpose is to teach you a lesson. Not necessarily to spend the rest of their life with you. It’s up to us to learn the difference. However, we hold a tighter grip on that person when we need to let them go. Madea also mentioned that’s why people are having a difficult time because they’re keeping a dying relationship alive. I understand some folks don’t want to be alone or start over. I think we have to stop looking at this as a bad thing. It is more of an opportunity for you to grow and move in a more positive direction. Staying with someone for the sake of having someone is plain dreadful. That’s a miserable existence that I don’t want in my life.
These life lessons are too valuable to miss. I had two people that I used to have as friends. We had a falling out that, to this day, still doesn’t make much sense. I didn’t realize at the time that those friendships ending turned to be blessings in disguise. The lessons I learned from those relationships I still use to this day. If one friend is playing both sides and keeps the drama going, then move right on past that person. A real friend never wants to pin two friends against each other. Their main objective would be keeping the peace. Also, watch how friends treat you after a romantic relationship ends. When my ex-fiancé and I broke up, I noticed a shift in two of my friendships. It came across like they didn’t know how to be my friend anymore. We all spent time together due to the fact we all were couples. I guess since now I wasn’t a couple, I no longer fit the image. Of course, this isn’t how friendships should be at all.
I discussed the shift with my two friends at the time, and they were gas lighting me, of course. Other friends warned me to be careful, and something seemed off with that situation. Of course, I didn’t listen, and ultimately the friendships fall apart. One friend was increasingly becoming distant, so I knew something was up. One day I finally called her out and asked her what’s going on? She said she wants to move on and gave a bogus explanation of moving away from friends who also knew Sharon (not her real name). I thought it was silly, but she wanted to leave my life, so I let the door wide open for her. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. However, I wasn’t begging for someone to stay when their actions proved otherwise. I wish both of them the best, but it was time for us to part ways.
The biggest lesson I learned from this is when someone starts to treat you differently, pay attention. That person’s feelings toward you are changing, and if you aren’t careful, you’ll be shocked by what comes next. When someone is genuinely committed to you, they will have your back no matter what. That’s what true love is all about with your flaws and all. If nothing else, I learned who truly cared for me or who was ready to discard me when I didn’t fit their image. It’s sad when things end, but not everything is a loss. Some things work out for the better only when you allow it and stop fighting the process.
How did you move on from situations that no longer served a purpose in your life?
I discussed the importance of self-care and self-love openly
on this blog page. Honestly, at times I feel like a fraud because I’m not
living up to the truth that I preach. One issue is that I tend to second-guess
myself and scrutinized everything. I’m so concerned with making mistakes that
not only do I still make them but they are worse than I could even imagine. The
reason for this stress is due to my issue of people pleasing. I get so worried about what my family may
think or believe. I know it doesn’t matter what others say and it’s important
to live your life for you. Trust me I get it, and I heard all those reasons
before. However, when you’re always in your head none of that matters. You
believe that no matter what decision you make it’s still the wrong one. If my choices
are going to cause harm to those around me, then it’s best to avoid the risk.
That is a horrible way to live and not the best way to view things.
I wish that I could say that I don’t care what family thinks
of me, but it’s not true. I get down on myself because I want to be happier in
life. Delighted people don’t focus on the opinions of others. Their primary
objective is to ensure their happiness supersedes everything else around them.
I can’t wait for that to me as I’m continuously struggling with this daily. The
next few paragraphs are an open letter to myself about how I’m going to not
only love myself more but how I will implement these changes. I hope that
reading this will help others out there learn to do the same.
Thkeya what can I say we have been on this beautiful journey
called life together for the past 33 years. You have made such a positive
impact on the lives of so many around you. The sad part is nobody understands
the pain that you deal with on the daily. You go from happiness to sadness as
the wind blows. All of this nonsense is due to you not being happy within
yourself. Your wants and needs have fallen to the wayside to help those in
need. Especially if it pertains to your family, you will go above and beyond to
help them. There’s nothing wrong with being there for them but what about you? Are
your desires not of great importance? At some point, you have to take a break
from saving the world and focus on you. Since you’re responsible and reliable,
your family will often overlook being there for you. They don’t believe that
you need assistance. Therefore, it’s hardly granted or asked.
You’re still human at the end of the day and not a
superhero. You need to take your cape off to rest and regroup for your mental
wellbeing. I know you’re worried because every time you do you feel like you’re
selfish. In the famous words of Iyanla
Vanzant, “It’s selfish not to put yourself first.” I understand hearing all
this is a lot for you. You’re most likely furious with me for even bringing
this up. I don’t care what you want to hear because you need to listen to this.
If you don’t make changes NOW, it will have dire consequences for you.
Resentment is close to creeping in, and that’s a horrible sign. Some changes
need to occur, and I’m begging you to make them sooner than later.
Of course, I would never leave you with all this to unpack
and not try to help you implement changes ASAP. The first solution is to
continue with therapy. I know it’s scary and you felt like you can do all this
on your own. Well, therapy will help with these new demons that are coming to
the surface. You need the proper tools to help deal with the range of emotions
that you’re experiencing. I know you want to say you got this, but it’s a more
prominent sign of strength to say I need help. Anyone who puts you down about
this decision doesn’t need to be in your life period. You will gain more
confidence, and that radiance that is inside will be shining out even more.
The second solution is following your heart and trust your
instincts more. You know what’s best for you so stop doubting yourself. It’s
exceptionally frustrating to watch you go over and over a decision when you got
this. Kill the self-doubt and follow your first mind. It’s boring not taking
risks anyway. The third solution is to stop waiting for a mythical time in the
future to do something. The best time to do it is NOW! If you hold on for a
great time to happen in life then literally nothing will ever occur. That’s not
how life works. You don’t get to follow down this smooth path with rose petals.
It’s bumpy, messy, confusing and filled with heartache along the way. The best
you can do is pray for a perfect outcome and figure it out if it doesn’t
happen. The fourth and final solution is to stop caring about what others have
to say. I don’t care if it’s your 4th cousin twice removed let that
negative energy go. I know it feels like you ‘re getting picked on and that’s
why you take it to heart. Stop allowing it to affect you and see how quickly
those opinions dissipate. The reason why they are so prevalent is due to you
giving it attention. Once people know that you aren’t breathing life into their
views, then there’s no reason to share them.
That was a lot to handle so take a few deep breaths.
Meditate and get yourself ready to tackle these solutions head-on. The best way
to implement these changes is to start small and work your way down. As you get
through the first solution, then the next will be much easier to follow. I want
the best for you, and I can’t see you hurting anymore. Please do yourself a
favor and choose happiness always. Like Anthony Hopkins said, “None of us is
getting out of here alive.” Based on that notion living in true happiness is
the only way to go.
I love you, and I’m very proud of you. I choose you forever
and always without question nor hesitation.
I’m writing this post about some of the themes I noticed from the new Jordan Peele movie, “US.” There will be some spoilers in this post. Come back here after you see the movie as I don’t want to spoil the movie for you. Great now that we got the pleasantries out the way let’s get to the post. One major theme of the film was that Adelaide explained a traumatic event as a child by meeting her doppelganger. Of course, this terrified her, and as the viewer, we believed she escaped and made it back to her parents. Later in the film, it’s revealed that Adelaide and Red (tethered doppelganger) switched places in childhood. Red went to the surface, and Adelaide stayed down below in the tunnels.
Essentially Red stole Adelaide’s life and every day since Adelaide along with the other tethered has been plotting their revenge. It further explains why Red fought so hard to defend her life and her family. Before this revelation, it came across as a Mom protecting her children. However, knowing that Red stole Adelaide’s life, it puts a different spin on it. Red vehemently was defending her spot because she didn’t want to go back living among the “others.” Adelaide reminds Red of where she once was and where she doesn’t want to be. I felt this directly correlates to what is happening with the immigration issue in the US.
Some folks within the dominant group don’t want people of color in as it minimizes their existence. They feel like they have to fight at all cost to protect themselves. Due to the number of people of color increasing and the dominant society is decreasing. Therein lies a power-shift! The oppressor is now becoming the oppressed which is a position they don’t like. Everything in their power in terms of laws or other means are created to keep the “others” out. It’s fine until the threat of self-preservation is near. Once this occurs, it’s all about survival of the fittest. I ultimately believe that Red was selfish in this regard. She didn’t care about her family. She was only looking out for self and didn’t want the “others” to have their time in the spotlight.
Another major theme I noticed has to do with the husband Gabe and the daughter Zora. Both of them were preoccupied with technology and keeping up with the Joneses. Zora was so caught up in her phone that she wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around her. When the tethered family was in the driveway, her mom asked for her phone. She said Mom I’m not on it when Red wanted to call the police for assistance. Zora wasn’t present for the current situation. Her only concern was that her phone was outside of her possession. To further illustrate my point while on the beach Zora barely interacted with anyone. Again she had her head in the sand literally and glued into her phone. I felt this strongly spoke to what we are experiencing now with social media. Some people don’t have social skills nor how to even communicate outside of social media.
People are using technology as a way to replace human interaction which is why once they do come in contact with others; it doesn’t go well. The husband Gabe was trying to keep up with his friend. He mentioned in the movie that his friend purchased a new car and a boat to mess with him. He doesn’t appear to have a knack for the boat, but it’s view as a status symbol. That if he has the boat he “made” it and he’s now apart of the upper-class society. I got to thinking about the emphasis we place on material items to fit in. We need to be more grateful for what we have instead of what we don’t. The grass isn’t always greener and whichever side is getting the most water will consistently appear to be more green.
There is a ton more of symbolism that I picked up from the movie which could make this post even longer. The ones I mentioned above spoke out to me as I got them right away while watching the film. The movie made me think about some of my current life choices and if I am making them for me or someone else. I am indeed an independent thinker like I believe or I am subconsciously following behind other people. I often time second guess myself, and I take a long time to settle on big decisions. I am worried that I’m going to disappoint my family somehow or think they will not approve of my choices.
I want to go with my gut instinct, but then I brush it off as not being realistic. I can make a last minute decision, and things will turn out completely fine. Other times when I took forever to make a decision it turned out to be a disaster. I believe it had to do with the fact that I overthought it too much and I didn’t view all of my options as I should’ve. It is essential to listen to what you want and not others. Nobody is living this life from day to day but you. If anyone has an issue with what you say or do, that’s their problem. You only get one life, so it’s best to live it up; however you see fit.
What are some of your
thoughts after watching the movie US? What do you feel the filmmakers were
trying to convey with the messages in the film? Were there things that stood
out to you? Why or Why not?
All my friends would tell you that I’m terrible at dating. What can I say I’m a hopeless romantic. I typically date one person at a time, and it hasn’t been working out too well for me. I get emotionally invested too early, and by the 2-3 month time frame things fizzle out. I believe this is due to not developing a real connection and the fact that around that time your representative leaves. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, and after time they start to become more comfortable. That is when the real them comes to the surface. I find myself in trouble around this time because I didn’t allow for the relationship to flourish naturally. I rush into things due to infatuation which doesn’t last as it’s not substantial. Of course, things don’t continue if you haven’t taken the time to get to know someone. Plus you have to spend more than 1-2 days a week to understand someone. Consuming small amounts of time with someone not only delays the emotional connection needed for a relationship but you don’t know the person either. If you don’t know who you are dealing with then how can you say you want to be with this person. Getting butterflies for someone is great but slow down a bit to determine true compatibility.
My friends have told me time and time again that I need to date multiple people. For some reason, some people think this means having relations with everyone that you’re dating. That is not what this means at all. Honestly, this is a way if you to date many different personalities at once and see which one is the best fit for you. Another added benefit is that it helps to keep your emotions in check. Especially if you are someone like me, this can aid you in your dating experience. I was curious to see what others had to say about this topic, so I conducted mini online research. Many guys and girls were entirely against dating multiple people. Some of the responses that I read stated that they don’t want to be an option and other people said you wouldn’t be emotionally invested in the relationship progressing. One response I thought was a big shocker was when someone is dating multiple people they aren’t viewed as looking for a serious relationship.
All of these reasons were a surprise to me, but particularly
the last one gave me pause. If you are in the beginning stages of dating someone
you have no idea of where things will land, of
course, this person will date other
people as the whole purpose is to look for their future husband or wife. How
can you demand exclusivity without having that conversation first? Truthfully,
when you meet the right person, you will
naturally start to cut off the other people as they aren’t what you want. In
dating it’s important to have an honest
and open dialogue. Don’t put others down just because you don’t agree with
their dating methods. Ask the right questions and if it doesn’t jive with you
then find someone else on the same wavelength as you.
Whatever dating method you decide to partake in; be honest
with the people you’re pursuing. It’s essential
that they know and understand why you’re taking
this approach. This conversation can also clear up any misunderstandings that
someone may have. Due to the hookup culture that we are in is the reason why
dating multiple people gets a bad rap. Explaining
why it’s vital for you can make a
difference in people understanding you better. For example, I went on a first
date with this one guy, and it went very
well. I had a few horrible first dates before
this, so it was refreshing. When I texted
later on that evening to say I made it home okay that’s when things went left.
He proceeded to tell me that I’m everything he’s looking for and he wants to
make me his woman ASAP. Typically I would be all over this and be ready to be
in another relationship that ends in a few months. Because I am dating other people,
I didn’t allow my emotions to get involved just yet. I’ve only known this guy
for three weeks, and we don’t interact every day.
I only see him once a week due to scheduling conflicts. If we had been spending
more time and speaking more regularly than maybe I would entertain a
relationship with him.
However, since that is not the case, I told him to pull back a bit and let things naturally play
out. He gave the typical responses of you
are scared and so am I. I’m not like other guys so don’t compare me to them.
Seeing is believing and since that hasn’t occurred yet this is all talk as far
as I’m concerned. There are things that I saw about him that I didn’t like and
I ultimately decided that it wasn’t going to work. If I didn’t date multiple people, I would’ve missed all the red flags.
Some may not agree with my approach, but
so far it’s working out for me. I respect
the one on one method, but I think it’s better suited once you decide
to be exclusive. Otherwise, you are putting all your eggs in one basket for a person you haven’t determined is
right for you yet.
What are your thoughts on the approach of dating multiple
people? Do you agree or disagree? What are some of the methods that you use to deter yourself from getting invested