A Different Approach to Dating

All my friends would tell you that I’m terrible at dating. What can I say I’m a hopeless romantic. I typically date one person at a time, and it hasn’t been working out too well for me. I get emotionally invested too early, and by the 2-3 month time frame things fizzle out. I believe this is due to not developing a real connection and the fact that around that time your representative leaves. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, and after time they start to become more comfortable. That is when the real them comes to the surface. I find myself in trouble around this time because I didn’t allow for the relationship to flourish naturally. I rush into things due to infatuation which doesn’t last as it’s not substantial. Of course, things don’t continue if you haven’t taken the time to get to know someone. Plus you have to spend more than 1-2 days a week to understand someone. Consuming small amounts of time with someone not only delays the emotional connection needed for a relationship but you don’t know the person either. If you don’t know who you are dealing with then how can you say you want to be with this person. Getting butterflies for someone is great but slow down a bit to determine true compatibility.

My friends have told me time and time again that I need to date multiple people. For some reason, some people think this means having relations with everyone that you’re dating. That is not what this means at all. Honestly, this is a way if you to date many different personalities at once and see which one is the best fit for you. Another added benefit is that it helps to keep your emotions in check. Especially if you are someone like me, this can aid you in your dating experience. I was curious to see what others had to say about this topic, so I conducted mini online research. Many guys and girls were entirely against dating multiple people. Some of the responses that I read stated that they don’t want to be an option and other people said you wouldn’t be emotionally invested in the relationship progressing. One response I thought was a big shocker was when someone is dating multiple people they aren’t viewed as looking for a serious relationship.

All of these reasons were a surprise to me, but particularly the last one gave me pause. If you are in the beginning stages of dating someone you have no idea of where things will land, of course, this person will date other people as the whole purpose is to look for their future husband or wife. How can you demand exclusivity without having that conversation first? Truthfully, when you meet the right person, you will naturally start to cut off the other people as they aren’t what you want. In dating it’s important to have an honest and open dialogue. Don’t put others down just because you don’t agree with their dating methods. Ask the right questions and if it doesn’t jive with you then find someone else on the same wavelength as you.

Whatever dating method you decide to partake in; be honest with the people you’re pursuing. It’s essential that they know and understand why you’re taking this approach. This conversation can also clear up any misunderstandings that someone may have. Due to the hookup culture that we are in is the reason why dating multiple people gets a bad rap. Explaining why it’s vital for you can make a difference in people understanding you better. For example, I went on a first date with this one guy, and it went very well. I had a few horrible first dates before this, so it was refreshing. When I texted later on that evening to say I made it home okay that’s when things went left. He proceeded to tell me that I’m everything he’s looking for and he wants to make me his woman ASAP. Typically I would be all over this and be ready to be in another relationship that ends in a few months. Because I am dating other people, I didn’t allow my emotions to get involved just yet. I’ve only known this guy for three weeks, and we don’t interact every day. I only see him once a week due to scheduling conflicts. If we had been spending more time and speaking more regularly than maybe I would entertain a relationship with him.

However, since that is not the case, I told him to pull back a bit and let things naturally play out. He gave the typical responses of you are scared and so am I. I’m not like other guys so don’t compare me to them. Seeing is believing and since that hasn’t occurred yet this is all talk as far as I’m concerned. There are things that I saw about him that I didn’t like and I ultimately decided that it wasn’t going to work. If I didn’t date multiple people, I would’ve missed all the red flags. Some may not agree with my approach, but so far it’s working out for me. I respect the one on one method, but I think it’s better suited once you decide to be exclusive. Otherwise, you are putting all your eggs in one basket for a person you haven’t determined is right for you yet.

What are your thoughts on the approach of dating multiple people? Do you agree or disagree? What are some of the methods that you use to deter yourself from getting invested too soon?

Happy dating!!!!!

Social Media Cleanse

I know it’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. I was running around getting ready to head to Miami and then it was time to leave for my trip. Now that I’m back it’s time to write another post. I went to Miami for the first time for five days, and I loved it. I had the best time, and I can’t wait until I go back again. I did something that I rarely do which is not to take pictures and then post them to social media. I lived in the moment for once and didn’t stop to post the photos every five minutes. It was a very liberating experience to live in the moment and not be so preoccupied with social media. It made me realize how much social media has impacted our lives. I guess to a degree we have allowed it. We sometimes feel the constant need to post images and tell every detail of our lives. We need to practice more of living in the moment. I enjoyed my Miami trip more because I wasn’t trying to gain likes or please my followers. I did something healthy which is to experience the moment, as it was occurring.

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Living in the moment allowed me to have more freedom and experience my trip a lot more. I would post here and there but nothing how I would typically. Life was so simple before social media as people were present and lived in the moment. In the days before social media people would communicate with their company more instead of being on the phone. I believe it is insulting to be on your phone while in the company of others. It signals that not only are you uninterested in the folks around you but that whatever you are doing on your device is more interesting. However, putting your device down and taking in life as its happening is such an invigorating experience. You don’t get those moments back, so it’s important to be present in that given moment.

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I think taking time away from social media is essential especially if you see you are getting too caught up in it. One must remember that social media is a form of entertainment, but it’s not real life. It is a way for you to connect with others from different parts of the country and the world. However, it can’t replace living your life. There is much to see and do out in this beautiful thing called life. Please don’t allow social media to take away from that and make you forget what is significant. I would recommend that everyone at some point goes on a social media cleanse. It will allow you time away to focus on the real world and not the fake. A bonus is communicating with the people around you. With social media, people forgot how to speak when they have people in front of them. Purging from social media gives you time back with loved ones and the world around you. I’m not saying stay entirely away from social media but don’t forget to live your life to the fullest while using it.

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Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)

Removing Baggage

Once you reach your thirties, it’s difficult to experience life at this point without baggage. You can’t escape it, but you should be open about it. Being honest is even more critical when it impacts your dating life. You should be as truthful as possible as the choice to be with you should be a mutual decision. Don’t ever take the option out of the hands of your potential mate. Eventually, that person will develop resentment and mistrust if you do. I understand being skeptical about revealing too much as it can work against you. However, if that person is ready to leave, then they aren’t meant for you. Do you want someone who will give up easily and not stick it out? I didn’t think so. It is better, to tell the truth as a way to weed out the wrong individuals. Be sure to prepare for a relationship before getting involved in one. Please review the items below before jumping into a relationship. I understand the need for companionship/love, but if you genuinely aren’t open (i.e., emotionally unavailable, rebound, baby mama/daddy drama and lack of time) it’s not fair to invite someone into that drama.

Emotionally Unavailable

If you are dealing with past pain, mistrust, or stuck on an ex, then you aren’t ready to date. Please don’t use someone for companionship or be prepared to have the windows busted out your car. That other person has emotions, and it’s unfair to allow someone to fall for you when emotionally you can’t commit to a relationship. Be open and honest about where you are and let that other person decide to continue to deal with you.

Rebound

I know the old saying is the best way to get over someone is under someone new. I completely disagree with this statement. That new person again has feelings, and all you will be doing is toying with them. Your new romantic partner will be under the impression that you are ready for a relationship just like they are. They will feel that way because you lead them to believe that. Getting over an ex is not the new person’s responsible it’s yours. Take the time to be single and work through your issues before a new relationship. Of course, you should continue to improve yourself while in a relationship. However, it’s vital that significant problems like your previous relationship ending should be worked out before starting a new one. A long-term relationship ending doesn’t mean jumping into another relationship a few months later. You aren’t ready nor have you healed. Don’t use someone else to mask that pain. You will end up on an episode of “Snapped” if you aren’t careful.

Baby Mama/Daddy Drama

If you are dealing with a crazy ex who happens to be the mother or father of your children, please work through that before starting a relationship. Everyone needs love which I understand entirely, but that’s a lot of drama to ask someone to take on. If there are child support and custody issues, get that together beforehand. Your new relationship shouldn’t now be the time to want to work on those issues. The ex will feel that your new relationship is causing problems and they will start to become angry. The ex may, unfortunately, begin to take out their anger on the children. The way this can occur is by seeing the children less and in some cases stop paying child support. Also, if your new significant other doesn’t have children the expectation of time will be required. If you don’t have a visitation schedule in place how can you properly develop a relationship? Save everyone the heartache and figure out any loose ends before starting a new relationship.

Lack of Time

If you are too busy due to work, business travel or whatever your reasons are be upfront about it. Don’t start a new relationship if you will not have the time necessary to dedicate to it. Things become even more complicated if the other person is fully present and ready for a relationship. If you don’t have the time to commit to a relationship, then you have to let the other person know that. Allow the other person to decide if this relationship is right for them. You may not want to hear if the answer is no, but you don’t have the right to make decisions for others. It’s not fair for a person to get involved with you under the assumption you can commit to a relationship. Due to your lack of time, you most likely want something more casual. There is nothing wrong with this, but you have to be forthcoming about it.

I know this sounds like you can’t be in a relationship ever and I hope that’s not the message you’re getting. The purpose of this is to remind you of the importance of being a healthy and happy person before a new relationship. You want to come into a new relationship ready to start fresh and be open to new experiences. You can’t do that with the baggage I just described. The types of baggage discussed in this post doesn’t allow for a sustainable and prosperous relationship. It is imperative that these types of baggage be nonexistent before starting a new relationship. Otherwise, you will be in a never-ending string of bad relationships.  All because your past issues are still present.

Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)

New Adventures with Friends

The weekend of March 9th was such a fantastic experience for me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that Halloween is my 2nd favorite holiday with my birthday being the 1st. I attended my first Monster Mania Convention that weekend! This event exceeded my wildest dreams and expectations. For starters, I got to meet the Mistress of the Dark herself, Elvira. Cassandra Peterson was out of her Elvira character. However, it was still nice to meet her. I was even having a conversation with one of the actors who played Jason, and I had no idea who he was. I’m sure he got a big kick out of that, and I was upset later as I was close enough to get a photo with him. The fact that I got to enjoy Halloween in March is the best feeling. I felt that I was entirely in my element as my affinity for the macabre was on full display. The stranger the better and being around folks who felt the same way I did made the experience even better. I also want to thank my best friend for tagging along with me. I was glad to share this experience with her even though horror isn’t her thing. She still was able to enjoy herself, and I was happy to show her another side of my wacky crazy personality.

I was delighted I was able to share this experience with my best friend, but honestly, this almost didn’t happen. I was content with going to the Monster Mania Convention on my own and experiencing this event with me, myself and I. After further deliberation I thought what would be the fun in that. The whole point of going to this type of activity is to experience it with someone. I was surprised that my best friend went as I stated before this wasn’t her thing. However, this reminded me that real friends would go to events with you just to spend time with you. Even if the outing isn’t to their liking, they will still attend. Just spending time with your friend no matter what you are doing will bring the friendship closer. Doing new activities together will ultimately help strengthen your bond as you start to learn more things about each other. I encourage all friendships to plan different events and step outside of your comfort zone. Not only will this help to improve your bond but you will learn something new about yourselves in the process.

The moral of my story is not to automatically assume that someone won’t attend a social gathering with you before you even ask. You may be presently surprised at the outcome that you receive. Of course, you should still participate in the activity even if others can’t attend but it will be more fun to experience it with friends. It may appear that your friends may not enjoy it, but it could turn out to be the most fun ever had. Never assume the answer will be no and just ask that person and people anyway. I almost missed out on this opportunity with my best friend, and we both had a fantastic time. Life has a funny way of proving to you that looks aren’t always what they seem. Stop assuming, grow a little and ask your friends to attend that place you wanted to visit.

 

Here’s a picture of me with my best friend and Elvira

Keya Jess & Elvira