Thkeya's Reflections on Life

The 6 Lessons I Learned On My Healing Journey

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I’ve been on a healing journey for the past two years. It’s been one of the most challenging things I have ever experienced. Going down this path is not for the faint of heart. You’ll face many demons, and the amount of self-reflection will make you question your sanity. However, the payoff is rewarding in that all the unpleasant spots make the journey that much sweeter. You have to complete your shadow work to get the most out of this healing process. If you aren’t familiar with the term, it means the unconscious side of you that’s hidden and represents the darkest side of your personality. For example, secretly being jealous of a friend/family member or self-sabotaging because you don’t believe you deserve something. Throughout the rest of the blog post, I will discuss the 6 things I learned on my journey that I wish I had known in the beginning. I hope that having this information at your disposal will aid you in this complex undertaking.

Create Clear Objectives

The objectives that I created, in the beginning, had no depth to them. I would make statements such as I want to be happy and stop self-sabotaging my happiness. Those are great things to say, but it doesn’t give me much to work with in determining what needs to happen. An example of a better objective is why am I self-sabotaging, and how do I recognize when it’s happening to counteract it? The first step is to get to the root of the issue and then create solutions around correcting it. I spent extra time unnecessarily because I didn’t have clear objectives on what I needed. It’s difficult to ask for help when you can’t articulate what you need. You’ll have to have a heart-to-heart and iron out these details. You won’t be able to start nor get the most out of this process until you do.

It’s Lonely

I stated earlier that this journey isn’t for the weak. It’s because most of it will be solo. You can have a life coach, therapist, spiritual advisor, etc., guiding you. However, you still need to do the individual work, which means you’ll be on your own. I lost count of the number of uncomfortable moments I experienced. I wanted to give up so many times. I cried to my therapist about why am I even doing this to myself. She repeatedly reminded me that I wanted to break old habits and create a more fulfilling life. I held up a mirror to myself and called out patterns that kept me from being my highest self. I had to learn not only to take accountability, but I had to fix the problem once I acknowledged that it existed. I’m much more self-aware, and my communication has vastly improved. It was a process to get to this point.

Don’t Quit

When you get to the shadow side of the healing process, let me tell you, it’s a doozy. The things we leave to our unconscious mind that stays buried until we’re triggered are astonishing. These are the things that represent the worst parts of ourselves. It’s hidden because we don’t want to share it with anyone. However, you can’t miss this part when you need to heal. Honestly, I wanted to quit before; that was nothing compared to when I had to complete the shadow portion of my healing. I highly recommend not completing this portion on your own. Seek out a therapist or spiritual advisor because what you unearth here can scar you if your mind isn’t receiving adequate care. I went through this, and you can do it too. It will get you to where you want to be, but don’t quit no matter how difficult it gets. Remember why you’re doing this healing to help you get through the shadow portion.

Relationships Will End

One of the trickiest parts of this healing journey is the number of people you lose. I had to end relationships between romantic and non-romantic. Unfortunately, there were people that I couldn’t take along with me. I thought I could, but my healing made me realize how toxic everyone was, including me. Seeing things in a new light offers a different perspective. Previously, I had difficulty seeing self-destructive behaviors because I was a part of them. I don’t want to be a part of that behavior anymore. There’s the price you pay when the other people in your life don’t feel the same. Once you reach an impasse, the only thing left to do is part ways. You’ll feel that person(s) is holding you back and not supporting you. They’ll develop resentment and eventually ghost you as they don’t want to bring you down with their negativity. Outgrowing people is a normal part of life, but it accelerates when you decide to begin this process.

Get A Support Group

Just because you’ll lose people along the way, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to find your tribe. There are other people out there who are on a healing journey. Those are the people that you will have to connect with going forward. They’ll have your best interest at heart. They’ll also let you know when you’re falling off track. That is the support you’ll need to help you as the temptation to fall back into old habits comes around. Of course, old friends/family and lovers will come back to disturb your peace. Your support system will step in and provide you with that extra boost to get you through it. I’m not sure why or how, but when you’re healing, evil spirits want to through you off your game. It comes as a test to see if you’re committed to this long-term. You’ll pass as long as you keep the right people in your corner. The old saying, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future,” is the most accurate statement, especially in this phase.

Healing Is An Ongoing Process

I saved the most critical lesson for last. The healing process never stops. I know you thought I went through all of this, and I still have more work. The answer to this question is yes, you do. You have to make sure that you maintain all the tools you learned. The only way to achieve this is by continuous work. The bright part here is that the hard work is behind you. Once you reach this phase, it is all about maintenance. If you feel compelled to go back to the complex stages, by all means, do what you must. Otherwise, stick to focusing on the upkeep as this is called a journey for a reason. You got this, and I’m rooting for your continued success!

I’m the best version of myself, and I never imagined I would say that out loud. My younger self would be proud of the woman I’ve become. Standing up and saying I could be better is not something many people do. I’m in awe of anyone who wants to take the necessary steps to improve their life. I understand how powerful it is to take charge of your life in that way. Every day, it amazes me how I not only said I would do this, but I also stuck with it. I’m saluting everyone else on this journey. We are the best and the biggest Queens ever to take on such a task!

Are you on your healing journey now, or are you interested in starting one? What have you learned on your journey, and could you apply anything in this post to yours? Please share your thoughts and comments below.

I’ll chat with you in the next post!

Top 20 Songs In My Playlist

Hi everyone! I know it’s been a while since you heard from me. I took a break longer than I anticipated. Covid has been a lot to deal with, but I have to get back to consistency with this blog. I will let you all know when I plan on taking breaks. It’s not fair to leave all of you hanging, but I appreciate everyone who stuck around with me during this time. I thought it would be fun for all of you to get reacquainted with me again. I want to start with a light-hearted post for my first entry back to blogging. I can’t think of a better way to start a post than with music. The songs below are in heavy rotation within my playlist at the moment. The list changes often, but the list below includes my current favorites.

St. Vincent

Savior

Masseducation

Slow Disco

Down

My Baby Wants A Baby

The Strangers

Cheerleader

Digital Witness

Celine Dion

Lying Down

Flying On My Own

Tinashe

Naturally

333

Undo (Back To My Heart)

I Can See The Future

Solange

Don’t You Wait

Don’t Touch My Hair

Taylor Swift

Cruel Summer

Doja Cat

You Right

Woman

I hope you enjoyed learning more about me via my playlist. Please share your current playlist below and let me know if some of the songs or artists are your favorites. I’ll chat with you all in the next post!

Turning Your Passion Into a Career

I want to extend a special thank you to Emma Grace Brown for contributing to the guest blog for this week. You can contact her at emma@emmagracebrown.com or her contact form from her website emmagracebrown.com/meet-emma.

Do you feel the call to switch careers to follow your passion? CNBC cited a survey showing that 49% of respondents had a dramatic career change, and 65% of the respondents who hadn’t yet switched have considered it. Changing careers to pursue your passion can be scary, but these pointers below can help.

Dream Big

Allow yourself to daydream about your passion and how it could become your career if there were no potential barriers. A straightforward strategy is to pretend you won the lottery, so money isn’t an issue, or imagine there’s no way you can fail. What would you do? Brainstorm ways to make those dreams a reality and earn income from your passion.

Consider Ways to Make Your Passion Profitable

Think of ways you can make your passion profitable. If travel is your passion, you might find a job in the travel or hospitality industry, work as a travel agent for an established company, or create your travel agency. Starting a monetized travel blog or YouTube channel and creating online courses, ebooks, and other products about traveling is another option.

Try Job Shadowing

When you have an idea of what you want to do, search for businesses that do the same thing. Joblist suggests reaching out to see if you can do a job shadow experience with them. You will get an opportunity to test out the career or know if you want to start a similar business.

Create a Concrete Plan

A clear career path or business plan helps provide a roadmap to success. If your passion requires a specific degree, research colleges that offer the program and determine how long it takes to earn it. To start a business, you may need a special certification or license. If landscaping is your passion, you may need a commercial pesticide applicator license.

Find Mentors

Connecting with mentors who have successfully made a similar career switch can give you expert insight. If your goal is to start your bakery, consider joining other bakery or restaurant owners. Ask them questions and soak up any knowledge you can get from them to make your journey easier.

Start a Business

Choosing the correct business structure is essential if you decide to start a business related to your passion. It affects your liability, business operation details, and how you pay taxes. For example, forming a limited liability company (LLC) provides more protection for your assets in case of bankruptcy or a lawsuit.

Go Back to School

If you’re starting your own business and passion project, you may need to gain some new skills to ensure it’s profitable. Earning an MBA will allow you to build your knowledge in leadership, business operations, communication, and marketing. If you enroll in an online program, you’ll have the flexibility to start planning your business while you learn. Online learning is also considerably more affordable than in-person learning.

Follow Your Passion

Switching careers to follow your passion can give you a more fulfilling career while paying the bills. Follow the above advice, and you’ll be open for business!

If anyone is interested in being a guest blogger on my website, please reach out to me at https://thkeyalifeinspiration.com/contact/.

The Effects of Microaggression

~Trigger Warning~
If you’re easily offended, then don’t continue to read this post. I’m going to assume if you keep reading from this point on that you can handle it. I don’t want to have to delete or block anyone who decides to leave a nasty comment. Please let this be your warning and know if I see any hateful comments, I’ll remove them. I’m all for having constructive discussions, but I won’t tolerate any bullying on my platform. Okay, now on with the show!

By now, I’m sure you have either seen or heard about the interview that Oprah had with Harry and Meghan. Don’t worry; I’m not going to do a full recap on it as you can research that on your own if you like. I want to highlight a point made and use that as a basis of this post today—the topic of microaggression is prevalent throughout the interview. I saw countless people say online, why didn’t Kate speak up and clear the air since the tabloids got the story all wrong. Yes, you can make the argument that Kate was under the same pressure as Meghan, and she was unable to speak up. However, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and say even if she could speak up; I doubt that she would. It benefited Kate for the media to go after Meghan. At that point, a light bulb went off in my head. Is this the same thought some white women have when they do this to black women in the workplace? Are you triggered yet? I said to stop reading, but since you’re here, hear me out before you go nuclear on me.

The example of microaggression that I’m going to use in this post is related to the workplace. Of course, this in no way invalidates the other instances different people may face. Microaggression impacts many people in a variety of ways. I would be dishonest if I discussed an example in this post that I don’t personally have a frame of reference. I sympathize with Meghan so much in that Kate situation because the same thing happened to me years ago. I had people come to me one on one to defend me, but when I needed it, most of those same people were silent. I only needed one person to come to my aid, but I never received that support.

I learned a lot from that situation and ensured that I’ll never be in that position ever again. There are so many stereotypes that black women deal with daily at work. For example, if my voice goes up an octave, I can be labeled aggressive, and if I’m too forthcoming on a project, I can be deemed difficult at work. Couple this with the fact of me being a direct person, I was mislabeled often. Also, before someone says, maybe it was me, and microaggression isn’t real. I had a manager who is a white man tell me if I were white, this wouldn’t have been an issue. I had to do a lot of internal work to get to the person I am today. I couldn’t beat the system, so I had to learn how to play the game to further my career. It was necessary to change parts of myself to lessen the impact that microaggression would’ve had on my work life.

Now the concept of code-switching comes into play. That is how I survive in corporate America after all these years. Let me break down code-switching if you aren’t familiar with the term. It means to conform to your particular environment. For example, I noticed how people spoke, topics of interest, and the most notable projects at work that would garner the most awareness. I needed to be a team player and not labeled as a threat to the organization—any and every opportunity that came my way; I took advantage. I continue to wear this mask at work because I know what happens if I experience the other label. That is an experience I don’t want to deal with again, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Honestly, I wonder at times what the cost is? Do people like the real me or the person that I’m choosing to portray? That doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person to be around—quite the opposite. I’m a handful but the most fun you’ll ever have in your life. I understand it’s a professional environment; however, I’m not a robot. But I feel that to survive at work, I had to become a caricature of what would allow me to become accepted. I’m unable to show up as myself as it’s deemed unworthy due to being different. That is the downside of microaggression. It makes it so you can’t show up as your authentic self due to preconceived notions.

That explains why some people decide to work for themselves because they’re tired of pretending. Working in an environment where everyone looks and acts the same is tiring. That completely goes against the idea of diversity. There can’t be true diversity of thought if one person being different threatens everything to collapse. If you see something, you have to call it out. Things will never get better if people continue on the sidelines and let things slide. There is a thing called reciprocity in life, and if I’m not getting it from you, then don’t expect it from me. When something happens to you, but you weren’t interested in helping others, don’t have your hand out now. I’m grateful for this blog because I would go crazy otherwise. Until I can start my own, this is my creative outlet to get out what I want when I can’t say it in other places. I hope you walk away from this post, knowing microaggression is factual, and code-switching is a slippery slope to nowhere. Avoid at all costs and remove both whenever possible.

I’ll chat with you all in the next one, and don’t forget to check out the discussion question before you go.

How has microaggression impacted you, and what steps have you taken to minimize its impact?

I Found My Inspiration

During this time away from writing, I’ve been holding myself back from creativity. I keep waiting to feel in the mood or waiting for inspiration to smack me in the face. One of my favorite artist St. Vincent conducted an interview the other day. She stated if you wait to be in the mood, you’ll never be creative. It got me thinking if I could truly call myself a writer if I haven’t written anything in months. Whenever I get the urge to write something, nothing comes out, or I hate whatever I put together. I built up this thought of perfection in my mind that’s impossible to reach. My unrealistic standards are setting the mood, having an idea in mind, creating an outline beforehand, creating bullet points of the topic, proofreading within the following two days tops, and then publish the blog post. There’s no wonder why I haven’t written anything as all that is too much pressure. Sometimes you have no idea where the thought is going, and it’s best to let the mind wander. The best inspiration may come from just getting your ideas out and then fine-tined the piece later.

My purpose for writing this post today is to tell you to keep going. Even when you feel like giving up and when you aren’t in the mood. Keep going, especially when you aren’t in the mood. It’s easy to feel motivated when you’re happy and in a great headspace. The struggle comes in on the lazy days and when the only thing you can muster is to eat and go back to sleep. Given the current climate wanting to go back to sleep and not do anything sounds fantastic. However, there are times when you need to get your head back in there and go after those goals. That is the actual test of your motivation. I saw an Instagram post a few days ago, and it discussed how people seek advice, but they lack self-discipline. For example, you know what you need to eat if you want to maintain a healthy weight. You don’t need nutrition advice, but you need to develop better self-discipline habits. Create a plan for yourself and stick to it. For example, if you need to study for a test, tell yourself the sooner, I study today, the more of the rest of the day I have to myself.

Inspiration doesn’t just show up at will. You have to be in a mindset for it to flourish. You have to dedicate time to the things you want to occur. For example, I set aside two hours today to start writing to create this post. I honestly had no idea where I was going with this when I first started. I allowed for the thoughts in my head to come through my fingers and create this post. As I got further along with how I wanted to craft the reminding elements, this post started to take shape. I allowed my mind to do as she pleases, and I was able to take something unexpected into a gem. I believe this is how inspiration is supposed to happen naturally. You don’t force it but make room for it to come to you. Once it finally comes, you will be able to create something when you least expect it. If you aren’t working on something constantly, you can never hone your craft or get better. Things get better over time, but that’s impossible to do if you aren’t putting in the work.

Breaks are a necessary part of life. There are times when you’re hitting a brick wall, and stepping away is the only way to come back from that. The trick is not to allow that break to become permanent. Once you stop something cold turkey, it can be rough to start it back again. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible to correct, but it will require more effort on your part to overcome. My advice in this situation is not to allow the breaks to go too long. Create a designated timeframe of when you will return, as this will get you to commit to continuing on your goal. For example, I took a break from exercising this past week. However, I made it a point to tell myself and my instructor; I will be back the following week. That will keep me honest and accountable about my goal.

If there is a lack of commitment, it will be challenging to maintain a plan and see it to the finish line. A goal without a plan is a wish. Wishes aren’t actionable, and when there is a lack of action, there’s nothing to measure your progress. To tell if you’re moving in the right direction is through an actionable plan. My new motto is to state the goal, plan out the steps to achieve the goal, measure the steps to achieve the goal, and include a goal completion deadline. Without this much attention to detail, I would struggle to get anything accomplished. Now, I’m going to apply this same logic to my writing.

Throughout my rumbling, I hope that you found something useful to apply to your life. I wanted to share somethings that helped me recently, and I hope they can help you. During this pandemic period, it has been difficult for everyone. Trying to stay motivated and not get bottled down in negativity is an extraordinary feat. I clamber myself at times, and I took several social media breaks. People can be miserable at times, and I was trying my best not to entertain that drama. I wasn’t successful all the time, but I made attempts. If I’m honest, this impacted my ability to write. I didn’t know if anyone would care what I had to say or even if it would be well received.

People’s attention is elsewhere, so at times I felt who would even care to read a blog. There are so many other important things going on in the world. I had to remember that the people who want to seek out your post will and the others won’t. You can’t focus on would people care because the person that matters is you. Whomever this post is meant to touch, it will reach them. Let this be a lesson to you. You don’t stop something because you hold someone else’s opinion in higher regard than yours. You never know whose life you will impact by being yourself. Go out there and show the world the most beautiful person they ever saw. The inspiration that you possess could be a beacon of hope to someone else.

Be sure to check out the discussion question before you go, and I’ll chat with you next time.

How do you manage to stay inspired in those moments when you’re struggling the most?

6 Self-Care Changes You Can Make Right Now Without Spending a Dime

Woman enjoying morning coffee by a river Photo credit: Rawpixel

I want to extend a massive shoutout to my guest blogger for this post-Emma Grace Brown. You can check her out at her site https://emmagracebrown.com/.

Search for #selfcare on social media, and you’re going to see thousands of photos of people on lux vacations and indulging in pricey spa days. All of those images can make self-care feel out of your reach. The way you take care of yourself each day can do more for your mental health than any amount of money spent.

Thkeya Life Inspiration is filled with practical tips for living your best life, and to supplement those tips, we offer a few extra budget savvy suggestions to help you change your habits for the better.

Focus on Simple Stress-Relieving Improvements

Taking vacations and spending time at the spa are both incredibly effective ways to reduce tension in your life. But you can’t necessarily hit the spa or take a vacay every single day, or even once or twice a month. So it would be best if you had more practical approaches to managing stress. Techniques that you can incorporate into your routine without spending a small fortune.

Like Clearing Negative Energy Out of Your Home

Okay, so how can you release tension without putting a dent in your budget? Well, one way is to clean and declutter your home. It is that simple! You see, when you live with clutter, dust, and disorganization, you’re also living with residual stress and bad energy you may not notice outright. But if you and your family have been complaining and feeling agitated for no good reason, these bad energy sources could be the culprits. Clear them out to boost your mood.

Or Setting Up a Little Relaxation Space Just for You

Once your home is tidy and clean, you can add more self-care by dedicating a room or corner to pure relaxation. Think about what helps you unwind, and then center this soothing space around that activity. Maybe this means creating a simple meditation corner or a cozy reading nook where you can escape with your favorite books. Whatever makes you happy! As long as you keep these spaces simple, it would be best if you didn’t have to spend a ton of extra money.

You Should Set Boundaries to Reduce Stress

Boundaries are important! They are so crucial that you should establish clear boundaries in all areas of your life. It could mean letting coworkers know that your time is off-limits or telling family members that specific topics aren’t up for discussion. Set your boundaries, and then stick with them but don’t be afraid to reassess them after significant life changes. You may need to pull back on some limitations, or you may need new ones.

Speaking of Boundaries, You Should Also Learn to Say “No”

What’s the simplest way to create the boundaries you need? Saying “no” more often is going to be the most effective strategy. Just like setting boundaries, learning to say “no” to family, friends, coworkers, and supervisors can cause anxiety at first. But once you practice this essential self-care habit, you’ll feel like a new person! You’ll be protecting your energy and, in turn, learning to value your time and yourself. Understanding this can make such a difference.

But Don’t Forget About Basic Self-Care Your Body Needs

It would be best if you also had self-care to preserve your physical health. Self-care can be broken down into specific areas: physical, intellectual, professional, financial, etc. Take better care of each of these spokes in the wheels of your own life, and you are bound to improve your quality of life. And you don’t have to spend a cent.

Self-care is a non-negotiable if you want to live your best life. But don’t think self-care has to be expensive to be useful! The best self-care changes are the ones that don’t cost a thing. Those are the changes that will improve your everyday routines and help you relieve stress.

Living your best life should be a lifestyle change! If you think so too or want to learn more, get inspired by reading past blog posts from Thkeya Life Inspiration.

Work From Home Blues

I’m not sure if I shared this information with all of you. I’ve been working from home since March 13th. After I reveal this information immediately, the response is, “Wow, how are you managing that?” Contrary to popular belief, I am an introvert. I know shocker but not necessarily to those who know me personally. I had to learn how to navigate this extroverted world and let me tell you; it’s not easy. My fellow introverts will be able to relate to that last statement. Overall, working from home takes its toll on you regardless if you’re an introvert or not. At some point, you’ll miss your co-workers, not having to work as hard (basically, you’ll feel guilty for putting in less than 100%), the little joys such as happy hour after work, and some shred of normalcy. If your curious about how I overcame the work from home blues, then keep reading. I came up with four steps that have been instrumental to me during this pandemic. Of course, more can be added, and feel free to share them in the comment section below.

Update Your Surroundings

Nothing says boring like your uninspiring makeshift office space. If your overall area is dull and in desperate need of a makeover, then make it happen. You can’t be surprised if your brain is in a constant state of depression if your workspace looks like a horror movie (I love horror; btw, this is just an example). I’m a big believer in your surroundings do impact your mood. For you to feel amazing, your workspace needs to be unique to you. Add your favorite things to your work area. For example, travel items, memorabilia items, novelty items, or whatever tickles your fancy. The point of this is to spruce up your workspace and to have you love your new office. Plus, if we’re going to be home for a while, you need to love your new digs.

Photo by Mental Health America (MHA) on Pexels.com

Take Productive Breaks

There is this tendency to work like crazy when working from home. I believe subconsciously; we want our employers to know we’re working hard and not wasting time. Unfortunately, what comes with this line of thinking is the lack of awareness to take breaks. I remember countless times during the beginning of the pandemic when I would work past lunchtime. I would look up, and it was 4 o’clock, and I remembered I didn’t have lunch today. Let me tell you those days are OVER! I have a recurring meeting for my lunchtime. Sometimes the time may change, given my workload that day. However, I have lunch every day, as expected. No more thinking I need to get work done because nothing is worth your health. Depending on how the day is going, you may need to take additional 15-minute breaks. If so, don’t be afraid to schedule those times as well. We’re all trying to survive this pandemic the best that we can. Being a workhorse isn’t the wave, so don’t jump on it.

Look Into Training

One of the most incredible things about this pandemic is the ability to work on something that we had on the back burner. I know for a fact there has to be a new area you wanted to try or training that you keep shifting from month to month. There’s no time like the present to seize the day! Working on yourself during this time will set you up nicely when either a new project comes up or returning to the office. For example, I recently completed training at work, and now I have an opportunity to work on a new project. If I didn’t take the opportunity to gain this knowledge, then I couldn’t be apart of this new endeavor. You never know what opportunities can arise from taking on new challenges. Even if it doesn’t pay off right away, it can help with adding further details to your resume. Given the current economic climate, the more skills you have, the better. These skills can be the reason why you’re in high demand by employers. Being in a position to demand salary and place of employment is the ultimate goal.

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

Take Your PTO

I understand your response is, “Where am I going?” If that is your first reaction, then you’re missing the entire point. The pandemic may have put a dampen on things travel-wise, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy local activities. Given the extra emphasis that COVID-19 has on mental health, breaks are more critical than ever. Working every week with no breaks is not recommended pandemic or not. Why are you letting this time stop you from enjoying yourself? Take time to spend with family, friends, and, most importantly, with yourself. Taking time away from work will cause you to be more productive once you log back on. Life is stressful enough, so don’t add to it but not taking time off work. Work will be there once you return. You truly aren’t missing anything, so get out there and LIVE!

I have implemented all four of these steps during the past seven months, which changed my life. I was ready to throw the laptop out the window because, at some point, enough is enough. There’s only so much a person can take with the isolation that working from home can cause. I got to the realization that I missed my co-workers, and we started having virtual lunches. Those lunches were game-changers as it made me feel connected in a small way. That made me realize how much in life we take for granted and how it an instant it can disappear. Hopefully, these tips will help you as you move forward in this new work from home environment.

Be sure to check out the discussion question below before you go, and I’ll chat with you in the next blog.

What tips are you using to overcome the work from home blues?

Importance of Setting Boundaries

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One thing that I have always struggled with is setting boundaries. I was too busy with being concerned about people liking me and avoiding conflict. Now that I’m self-reflecting, I have realized now more than ever how essential setting boundaries are. Not only does it help prevent conversations that make you uncomfortable, but it also keeps your privacy to yourself. The fewer people that know your business, the less likely you have to worry about information getting out. I came up with four steps to help with setting new boundaries within your relationships.

Decide Which Boundaries to Set
Before you can set boundaries, you need to determine what your limits need to be. Get a pen and paper to write down your limits and to whom each category represents. For example, finances and dating are off-limits to parents for discussion. Follow this exercise for others, such as friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. Doing this will help with oversharing information as well. Conversations should be a dance, and if it’s turning into a solo act, you’re sharing too much. Having boundaries will help you with not sharing details before it’s safe to do so.

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Start Implementation of Your Boundaries
Now here comes the fun part of implementing the new boundaries that you set. It won’t be easy at first, but people will learn to adjust over time. You will most likely get backlash from folks closest to you but stick with it. People who love you will respect your boundaries after some time. Start with someone who will be least resistant to your limits. That will give you the confidence to continue down this new path. Don’t give up easily if people start to provide you with a hard time. People will try to see how far they can go, but enforcing your boundaries will let them that’s not possible.

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Continue to Reinforce Your Boundaries
The best way to keep people on board with your boundaries is to continue to enforce them. Once someone tries to overstep, you have to shut it down immediately. Also, people need to know there are consequences to their actions. For example, if you told someone that dating was off-limits and they continue to push, the result is that they don’t get to speak with you. I understand that sounds harsh, but you have to put your foot down. People need to respect the boundaries you have set forth. However, if you don’t consistently enforce your limits, people will walk all over you. You have to be intentional for people to understand why your boundaries are vital for them to follow.

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Reassess Your Boundaries as Needed
As life changes, so should your boundaries. There may be new topics to add or old ones to remove. Whichever way it goes, continue to reevaluate your boundaries. Make sure you do this often to avoid conflict when a topic comes up that you weren’t expecting. For example, a newly married couple will receive unsolicited advice from different people. It can even become overwhelming at times. When a new life event like this occurs, your boundaries need to include it. That way, people will understand that every new life event is not up for discussion. If you do decide to share, it will be your choice to do so.

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Setting boundaries can sound scary if you never did it before. It can seem like a difficult undertaking at first, but it’s worth it in the end. I recently started implementing boundaries, and it’s working out great. I’m not forcing myself to discuss or do things I’m not necessarily comfortable doing. The beautiful thing about boundaries is that it helped me improve my self-care and improve my overall mental health. Boundaries are helpful because it sets expectations of what topics you will share and which ones are off-limits. Don’t look at it as a bad thing, but something beneficial in the long run.

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Be sure to check out the discussion questions below before you go, and I’ll chat with you in the next blog.

Do you have boundaries set up? What type of challenges did you face while implementing your limits?

Quarantine Life Part 3: Embracing Change

I understand that people need things to return to normal. Keep in mind our previous way of life wasn’t all that glamorous. We worked long hours, hardly spent time with family, gave away our dreams, and for some trying to keep up with the Joneses. This quarantine time has been very reflective for me, reflecting on my life pre-COVID to now. I don’t want things to go back to how they were. Yes, I’m looking forward to getting back outside, but I want things to be different. In the coming paragraphs, I’m going to discuss why change after the COVID pandemic is a good thing and what I expect to change. With the current reset, we’ve now is the perfect time to examine our lives to see what changes we can make for the better.

Family Time

I’m close to my family, but if I’m honest, we could be spending more time together. I can’t remember the last time I’ve spoken to my family this much. We’ve been reaching out more via phone calls and video chats. We even made plans to do more traveling and spend more time together very soon. This ordeal made us realize now more than ever the importance of family. Having loved ones who genuinely care for you is so amazing. You have to embrace and cherish those moments. Anytime that we get to spend together is a blessing that we mustn’t take for granted. Life is fleeting, and this quarantine is proving that every day. Live in the moment for as long as you can and let go of unnecessary baggage. Move forward in love is the best option and provides a more fulfilling life.

Work/Life Balance

Before COVID, I was working a lot. Not as much as I’ve been in the past but enough to interfere with my life. Cue in traveling, which helped to break up the tedious daily routine. I would have fun while enjoying a break from work. Now during this quarantine, I’ve had time to reflect on the things that matter in this world. Honestly, work is not as important as your life. Anyone working until oblivion makes no sense, especially since these companies will replace you in a heartbeat. Supporting yourself and your family is critical, but there needs to be a balance. Take those vacations, sick, and personal days. Work will be there once you return. Burning yourself out will only cause resentment, depression, and anger into your life. You don’t want to look back on what you should’ve done. There are no do-overs in life, so it’s best to live it to the fullest.

Dream Chaser

I’ve wanted to be a writer for as long as I could remember. Unfortunately, I didn’t follow my heart as I believed that I could never make a living doing what I loved. Instead, I took up a more practical skill to make an honest living. The projections that others put on you is more of a reflection of themselves than you. I wish I would’ve listened and followed my gut instinct years ago. My regret as far as writing goes is that I should’ve started sooner. Anyway, it’s better late than never. I’m telling you that narrative as an example to chase your dreams. Sure, people will think you’re out of your mind, but so what? Do you want to look back on your life and wish, or do you want to live for you now? That’s your only option as you can’t go after your dreams and please people. If people are going to be mad, at least be winning at your goals. During this quarantine, you see how quickly things can change in a matter of minutes. Chase your dreams with the highest amount of urgency and give people something to discuss.

Love Unapologetically

One thing that saddens me during this time is the lack of empathy for others. I hear people say I don’t know anyone impacted, so the virus isn’t that serious. That is beyond disrespectful to the men and women who risk their lives daily as essential employees. I know four people who suffered from COVID, and one person still battling it. I never thought I would live in a world where this would be the norm. As a human being, you need to show compassion to others. You are blessed not to know anyone personally, but don’t be miserable about it to others. Also, let’s please learn to celebrate someone else’s successes. The number of negative responses I see regarding someone saying they purchased a new home, a new promotion, etc. is unwarranted. Have some of you lost your humanity? That’s why things aren’t going right for you because you can’t be happy for others. When someone is in their winning season, cheer them on. I’m sure you want the same thing when it’s your turn. Learn to be happy for others and watch how you become blessed—being mean spirited blocks your happiness every time. Don’t be afraid to give and spread love. Love is something that we all can’t get enough of, and it’s best when shared among many people.

That concludes the last part of my quarantine life series. I hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I had fun writing it. I understand how easy it is to look at this from a negative vantage point. My intention with creating this series was to show the positive aspects during the quarantine life. This reset button, as I like to call it, allows us to reevaluate our lives for the better. I understand the difficulties many are facing, and I pray that things turn around very soon. I hope that this series gave you some solace of better days ahead. If I learned anything, it’s that perception is everything. If I perceive it isn’t good, then it is. However, if I believe things are lovely, then they are. As the old saying goes, perception is reality. It’s up to you which reality you want to represent you.

Don’t forget to check out the discussion question before you go, and I’ll see you next time!

What do you want to change or stay the same after quarantine? Why or why not?

Quarantine Life Part 2: Glow Up

With all the time we have to think and focus on what’s to come. Now is the best time to work on the things you’ve been putting off. There’s only so much television, social media, and phone conversations you can have. At some point, you have to take action. While everyone else is focusing on mundane things, you can be working on your glow up. Yes, there is no time like the present. I was moping around complaining about what I’m going to do? There’s only so much working and Netflix I can take. Besides the fact of being alive (Thank God), I have too much free time to waste. I’m not bashing anyone who may feel that surviving is good enough for them. I hope nobody feels slighted or ridiculed in any way. This post is for those people who want to glow up and need an extra incentive to do so.

Fitness

I’ve been talking about wanting to work out again for a while. I felt the pounds coming on, and I was over it! Through the power of the Internet (via Facebook), my former boot camp coach contacted me after reading my comment about exercising. It started as a 21-day calorie quarantine crusher challenge. I’m currently on the 21-day 2.0 version, and this week I started the healthy living portion of the program. I’m addicted to working out again in a short amount of time. I’ve continuously been exercising since April 6th. I lost 4 inches so far, and I can’t believe how strong I’m becoming. I’m pushing myself like I never have before. I have more motivation behind why I’m taking this fitness journey seriously this time around. I may or may not share some time in the future. My main point is to set a realistic goal of getting into shape, and you’ll become addicted as well. Fitness has helped to improve my mood, which brings me to my next point of self-care.

Self-Care

I speak about therapy often on this blog, so there’s no surprise why it’s apart of this post. Mental health issues are skyrocketing during this time. The self-isolation alone is enough to drive anyone crazy. Be sure to check in with yourself daily. Whether you decide to seek therapy or not, you need to have an outlet. The self-isolation isn’t the time to hold your emotions in as it can have dire consequences. You can journal as well if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with others. Anything to express how you feel will do wonders. The main point is to get rid of those negative thoughts in your head. Be careful how you speak to yourself and what you allow yourself to hear. Negative talk can seep into your brain and get into your sub-conscience. Then ultimately, it will manifest into disruptive behaviors. Now is a perfect time to work on self-care if that’s an area that needs improvement. You have loads of time to practice, so get to it!

Career

I wrote a few posts back about my plans to get a new job this year. I started the process, but so far it hasn’t panned out. Rejection is redirection into an area I need to be. I began to look inward at my network for a job as I would like to have a regression proof career. That regardless of what’s going on in the world, I would still be able to support myself. I had two informational interviews so far, and I’m currently working on the third. I struggled to try to secure these networking opportunities before coronavirus, but now it’s happening—the exact definition of a blessing in disguise. Based on the feedback I received, I need to get additional training under my belt to aid in securing a new job. It will show future employers that I’m capable and ready for the new role. I know which training I need to take because it’s what’s required/most requested. This information is critical because, without these informational interviews, I wouldn’t have known. When the next job prospects come along, I’ll be more prepared. My biggest takeaway was if I want to get to the next level, then utilize my network. You never know who someone knows or how that one interaction can bring you closer to your dreams.

Finances

It is sad to hear on the news about the unemployment numbers. I’m grateful I can work from home and still receive a paycheck. The quarantine shed light for me about how I need to create a better financial safety net for myself. As the old saying goes, if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready. I recently checked my 401(k) to see when the last time I re-balanced it. (If you aren’t familiar with the term, research it.) That is something that you should check periodically. You have to change your elections to receive the maximum benefit. Any safety net you create has to be under constant review. The safety nets include (in addition to 401(k)) Roth IRA, savings account, CD, stocks and bonds, 529 plans, Simple IRA, SEP IRA, traditional IRA, and Roth 401(k) to name a few. I’m not trying to provide any financial advice. This information is provided strictly as informational, and it’s up to you to decide what’s best for you and your family. Having these safety nets removes the worry about what will happen in the event of an economic downturn. Even if you aren’t in a position to participate now, you can still learn for later use. The more you know, the more informed financial decisions you can make in the future.

Your idea of glowing up can be completely different from mine, but you get the picture. It is a blessing to have this much free time on your heads. You can concentrate on all the things that you swept under the rug. Glowing up isn’t limited to clothing/appearance (I have purchased new clothes, so stay tuned world) but about what you’re feeding your mind and soul. I’m going to leave you with a quote my fitness coach told me. “If you don’t feel like doing something, then now is the best time to start.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Now go out there and glow up like a diamond!

Don’t forget to check out the discussion question before you go, and I’ll see you in the next post.

How do you plan on glowing up during this quarantine?

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