Being Present in Dating

I always felt as if I put my career before my love life. Not on purpose but this took up space in my life when other things were missing. Then at one point, I was pursuing my Master’s degree while working full time. I tried my best to date, but I didn’t have much time to dedicate to developing a relationship. Instead, I turned to dating emotionally unavailable men as a short time solution to having companionship. Of course, this is not to say this was the best option but this is all I could commit to at the time. Now I’m starting to notice that despite the change in job title my dating life stayed the same. I am currently in a better position to date. However, I am still running into emotionally unavailable men. I am upset that this keeps occurring as I’m ready for a more meaningful relationship. For the first time, I am looking at myself to examine this issue. The only thing that these men have in common is me, and I have to look at myself to figure out what I’m exuding to the world. I don’t like the current picture, so I have to change the channel so to speak.

I have to change my current behavior if I want to experience better results. For example, due to my work schedule from a few years ago to just a month ago, I was only able to dedicate about two days a week to a relationship. To develop the type of relationship I want more time is needed to care and nurture it. In the past, due to work obligations, I wasn’t able to accomplish more than this. However, this is no longer the case and my attitude towards being present needs to be updated. I’m currently struggling to be more available and open to letting someone in my life. All this time I thought I was open when it was a façade that was coming across. You can’t just say the words, “I’m available” but you have to be open and willing to let love into your space. Nobody wants to feel as if they are wasting time while dating you. If you are unable to make the time, then you can’t expect someone to stick around waiting for you.

My ultimate goal is to not only have a lasting relationship but a deep one as well. I’m looking forward to the day of sharing my life with my husband and children. Before I get to that aspiration of mine, I must realize I am my own biggest obstacle. I have to be more open and ready for love to come my way. Due to past hurt, this has been challenging, but since real love is what I’m looking for, I have to put those fears to the side. I can’t let my fear of the unknown keep me from love. If you are the opposite of the type of mate you are seeking, then you will stay in a constant cycle of confusion. Be ready, open, and willing to let that special someone in your life. You never know what may happen and the person of your dreams will be prepared to love when you are. Hurry up you don’t want to keep them waiting any longer.

Until next time,

keya's life-001

 

Haters Disguise as Friends

People who claim to be your friend but who are really jealous of you behind the screen.

It is true that as you age your friendships will begin to evolve. Some people that you were once close to may not even be your friends in a few years. Then other people who were mere acquittances may become close like family. I remember hearing this would occur when I was younger by many relatives, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized how true this statement is. An old friend of mine recently accused me of changing into a new person. The thought of her accusation is baffling to me as I believe that becoming a better person is a beautiful thing.  Anyway, she reminded me of how in the past I was ill-tempered and easily angered. I acted this way because people viewed me as a bit of a push-over. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be a push-over, but there are better ways to handle yourself in stressful situations. I haven’t always dealt with issues in the most favorable light. I knew I needed to change this about myself and I worked on it. I thought my old friend would be happy to see my growth and be proud of the woman I became. Instead, the reaction that I received was that I became a counterfeit of my former self. At that moment I knew that my friendship with her had run its course. There is no way I could continue on my current journey with her still in my life. We have become two different people, and our current paths no longer intersect.

Every day you should be growing and learning continuously. The people in your life should hopefully, be doing the same thing. Don’t tolerate your friends’ judgments if they feel as if you are growing and leaving them behind. At that moment realize that these people are only in your life for a season. Once their season is up, please let them go! You will hurt yourself trying to keep people in your life who no longer should be there. Being the same person you were years ago sounds like a miserable existence. I understand being comfortable, but at some point, you need to elevate yourself. Of course, growing should be done gradually to ensure that not only can you keep your momentum going, but your development will continue. Telling someone that they changed and it was for the better is such an asinine statement, and people like that don’t deserve to be apart of your “Glow-Up.”

Another issue I experienced with this same “friend” is passive aggressiveness. I don’t have any problems with speaking my mind. I would dare to say that my openness has gotten me into trouble in the past. That was something that I knew I had to work on and I made a conscious effort to think before I speak. It hasn’t always worked out flawlessly. However, I am a work in progress. Please excuse the sidebar and let me get back to the point I was making. If you have a dispute with what a friend did or said then, please speak up about it. Don’t pretend to have moved on from the situation if all you will do is turn petty later on. Here are some examples of being petty, backhanded comments, doing a favor but complaining the whole time and my all time favorite getting upset when someone can’t drop their whole life for you.

The last example of pettiness I just experienced recently by this same “friend.” I was planning on a special Valentine’s Day with that special guy in my life. I wasn’t sure at the time which weekend he wanted to celebrate since the holiday falls on a weekday this year. I stated to her let me get back to you, and once I find out, I’ll let you know if I could attend your event. She was very dismissive of me and stated nevermind forget I even asked. This type of behavior is entirely unacceptable for an adult to act and the passive aggressiveness is beyond ridiculous. If you ever find yourself behaving like this just speak to the person that is causing you heartache. If that person genuinely cares about you, then both of you should be able to work through the situation like adults.

If you have friends in your life that get upset every time you try to express yourself, then you need to get new friends. Real friends will not dismiss your feelings, and they will make an effort in correcting the behavior. When people care about you, the last thing they want is for you to feel any hurt or pain. Please let me reiterate if you are currently dealing with people like this in your life let these people go. These type of people will do nothing but bring you down and then accuse you of being the negative person. Get rid of these toxic people in your life, and you’ll thank me later.

Until next time,

keya's life-001

The Fear of Starting Over

Falling deeply, madly in love with someone is a petrifying experience. The vulnerability that you feel is most terrifying. However, the love that you have for that person is worth all of the anxiety you feel. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person and the thought of living without them causing you unmeasurable pain. To hear those four words, “Will you marry me?” is something most women will long to hear. Unfortunately, for me, I didn’t get my happily ever after.

After a completely romantic proposal that was everything from my wildest dreams quickly came crashing down on me. I found out not even a month later that the love of my life wasn’t ready to get married. To say I was devastated would’ve been an understatement.  He felt pressure from his family to propose and he claimed he didn’t want to keep me waiting for a proposal. To be honest, I never pressured him and at that time I was so in love I would’ve waited forever for him. However, what he failed to realize was his deception would cause residual effects that I’m still experiencing today.

I was so hurt, confused, mislead, and most importantly I felt unworthy of love. How could someone who claimed to love me hurt me this way? I lost all faith in people especially when it came to men. Every person whom I came in contact with was scrutinized with a fine tooth comb. I got involved in situations that I had no business being in. Remember what I said last week, “Hurt people will always hurt others around them.” I was involved with men who were horrible for me, but I let my fear of desperation get the best of me.

Everyone kept telling me that I needed to start dating again. People don’t understand how it feels to go from being engaged to newly single. You often wonder if you will ever find love again or if marriage will ever be a possibility. Also, it doesn’t help that I had a few bad relationships since my engagement ended. I started to experience a serious bout of depression. I didn’t want to interact nor did I want to be around family and friends. I started to distance myself from the people who know me best because I was ashamed to admit what was taking place in my life. My depression had spiraled out of control that I even attempted suicide. At this point, I knew I needed help and I wasn’t going to be able to deal with all these emotions on my own.

The next step for me was attending therapy. This was a scary thing for me to do, but overall I made the best decision possible. I honestly don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for therapy. I had to learn how to love me again and not to look to someone else for my happiness. This is something that I am responsible for and I am the person that can change the course of my life. Therapy helped me to realize that each experience in life is a lesson learned. Things will be okay if they don’t work out as life goes on. It will be devastating of course, but not life-threatening.

The biggest lesson of all that I learned is that forgiveness is most important. Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true. It means letting go of past hurt in order to move forward in your life. From my therapy sessions, I became a stronger and wiser woman. I’m so proud of the person I am today. If you need therapy for any reason, don’t be afraid to seek treatment. You never know how it could change your life.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I do know that I’m finally ready for it. It took a long time, but I can’t wait to see the outcome. Starting over is an overwhelming task, but it can be the most rewarding experience. Give yourself a chance to see how it goes. You never know what may be waiting for you around the corner.

 

 

Second Chances?

I recently found myself at a crossroads this week when it comes to second chances. What does it mean and how do you decide when it should be given? There are people who hurt you in the past and may believe that they have changed. However, in order for you to truly give a second chance then changes must be made. That other person has a responsibility to show you that they have truly seen the error of their ways and that improvements have occurred. Only then can a true second chance be given to that person.

You’re most likely saying to yourself all of that is great, but how do you know if a true change has really occurred? My answer to you would be that I can’t answer that question for you. This will be something that you will receive a gut instinct about. Trust your intuition and if you get a feeling that something is not right please listen to that. Only you will know ultimately what is best for you and that includes who you allow in your life. If the vibe is off that is your intuition telling you that this person is not genuine and to remove them completely out of your life.

I understand that this is a difficult thing to do as we have been programmed to be nice to everyone we come in contact with. I’m not trying to tell you to change that however, we all need to become more cautious of the people we have around us. Not everyone who comes into your life means you well. That person could have plans for you and not of the variety that you may prefer. Also, just because someone is a nice person doesn’t mean that person can’t hurt you. A hurt person will always hurt people around them. That saying is so true and it doesn’t matter if you are nice or not. Keep the people who are meant to be in your life and get rid of the ones who shouldn’t be there.

Be wary of giving out second chances to people. There are some people who deserve it and there are others who don’t. Be protective of your heart and don’t allow a pretty face/smile to make you forget all the hurt and pain that was caused. A person should discuss what they corrected/accomplished and not just what needs to change. That person is only telling you what he/she wants you to hear and will continue to pull at your heartstrings if you let them. Your heart, soul, and energy deserve the very best. Therefore, please don’t be as generous with your time as some people just want to deplete you of all your energy. Remeber just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean they are meant to be in your life.