selfcare – Thkeya's Reflections on Life

I Found My Inspiration

During this time away from writing, I’ve been holding myself back from creativity. I keep waiting to feel in the mood or waiting for inspiration to smack me in the face. One of my favorite artist St. Vincent conducted an interview the other day. She stated if you wait to be in the mood, you’ll never be creative. It got me thinking if I could truly call myself a writer if I haven’t written anything in months. Whenever I get the urge to write something, nothing comes out, or I hate whatever I put together. I built up this thought of perfection in my mind that’s impossible to reach. My unrealistic standards are setting the mood, having an idea in mind, creating an outline beforehand, creating bullet points of the topic, proofreading within the following two days tops, and then publish the blog post. There’s no wonder why I haven’t written anything as all that is too much pressure. Sometimes you have no idea where the thought is going, and it’s best to let the mind wander. The best inspiration may come from just getting your ideas out and then fine-tined the piece later.

My purpose for writing this post today is to tell you to keep going. Even when you feel like giving up and when you aren’t in the mood. Keep going, especially when you aren’t in the mood. It’s easy to feel motivated when you’re happy and in a great headspace. The struggle comes in on the lazy days and when the only thing you can muster is to eat and go back to sleep. Given the current climate wanting to go back to sleep and not do anything sounds fantastic. However, there are times when you need to get your head back in there and go after those goals. That is the actual test of your motivation. I saw an Instagram post a few days ago, and it discussed how people seek advice, but they lack self-discipline. For example, you know what you need to eat if you want to maintain a healthy weight. You don’t need nutrition advice, but you need to develop better self-discipline habits. Create a plan for yourself and stick to it. For example, if you need to study for a test, tell yourself the sooner, I study today, the more of the rest of the day I have to myself.

Inspiration doesn’t just show up at will. You have to be in a mindset for it to flourish. You have to dedicate time to the things you want to occur. For example, I set aside two hours today to start writing to create this post. I honestly had no idea where I was going with this when I first started. I allowed for the thoughts in my head to come through my fingers and create this post. As I got further along with how I wanted to craft the reminding elements, this post started to take shape. I allowed my mind to do as she pleases, and I was able to take something unexpected into a gem. I believe this is how inspiration is supposed to happen naturally. You don’t force it but make room for it to come to you. Once it finally comes, you will be able to create something when you least expect it. If you aren’t working on something constantly, you can never hone your craft or get better. Things get better over time, but that’s impossible to do if you aren’t putting in the work.

Breaks are a necessary part of life. There are times when you’re hitting a brick wall, and stepping away is the only way to come back from that. The trick is not to allow that break to become permanent. Once you stop something cold turkey, it can be rough to start it back again. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible to correct, but it will require more effort on your part to overcome. My advice in this situation is not to allow the breaks to go too long. Create a designated timeframe of when you will return, as this will get you to commit to continuing on your goal. For example, I took a break from exercising this past week. However, I made it a point to tell myself and my instructor; I will be back the following week. That will keep me honest and accountable about my goal.

If there is a lack of commitment, it will be challenging to maintain a plan and see it to the finish line. A goal without a plan is a wish. Wishes aren’t actionable, and when there is a lack of action, there’s nothing to measure your progress. To tell if you’re moving in the right direction is through an actionable plan. My new motto is to state the goal, plan out the steps to achieve the goal, measure the steps to achieve the goal, and include a goal completion deadline. Without this much attention to detail, I would struggle to get anything accomplished. Now, I’m going to apply this same logic to my writing.

Throughout my rumbling, I hope that you found something useful to apply to your life. I wanted to share somethings that helped me recently, and I hope they can help you. During this pandemic period, it has been difficult for everyone. Trying to stay motivated and not get bottled down in negativity is an extraordinary feat. I clamber myself at times, and I took several social media breaks. People can be miserable at times, and I was trying my best not to entertain that drama. I wasn’t successful all the time, but I made attempts. If I’m honest, this impacted my ability to write. I didn’t know if anyone would care what I had to say or even if it would be well received.

People’s attention is elsewhere, so at times I felt who would even care to read a blog. There are so many other important things going on in the world. I had to remember that the people who want to seek out your post will and the others won’t. You can’t focus on would people care because the person that matters is you. Whomever this post is meant to touch, it will reach them. Let this be a lesson to you. You don’t stop something because you hold someone else’s opinion in higher regard than yours. You never know whose life you will impact by being yourself. Go out there and show the world the most beautiful person they ever saw. The inspiration that you possess could be a beacon of hope to someone else.

Be sure to check out the discussion question before you go, and I’ll chat with you next time.

How do you manage to stay inspired in those moments when you’re struggling the most?

Protect Your Energy

Being an empath can be incredibly exhausting. I feel other people’s energy, and if the vibe isn’t right, it throws me completely off. I have been meticulous lately about who I let in my life. I don’t want to be in a situation where my energy is draining, or I feel uncomfortable around someone. I never want to make people feel uncomfortable, even if that’s my current emotion. Fast forward to recently; I started to date again. I know the dreaded dating scene. However, I’m going into it with a fresh perspective. I have a clear mindset of what I’m looking for in a mate. Previously I said I was looking for XYZ, but my potential suitors didn’t fit that match. That was my fault and not theirs.

I have an issue with saying no to people. My biggest fear is making someone feel like I don’t care for them or for them to feel useless. When it comes at the expense of your sanity, it’s hardly worth the effort. Saying no isn’t selfish, but saying yes to everything is. Think about it for a second. If you answer yes, even when you aren’t in the mood or not feeling the environment, who is hurt by this? Anything that directly impacts your mental health is not worth the effort.

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You aren’t meant to be everyone’s cup of tea and vice versa. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. You can meet someone and instantly develop a connection, and for other people, it doesn’t exist at all. That doesn’t mean that something is wrong. All it means is that the two of you didn’t hit it off. Why force something that’s not working? I have never understood that way of thinking. Protect your energy and peace. If someone doesn’t understand this, then that person shouldn’t be in your life. The worst thing to be is misunderstood, and having someone not trying to understand you is even worst.

It’s a better use of time to spend it with like-minded people or people who have your best interest. Time and energy are very sacred pieces of yourself. Share life’s experiences with people who want to understand and have a place in your heart. Don’t hold onto temporary people as you will end up hurting yourself in the end.

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What are some ways that you practice protecting your energy/peace?

One Day Mad Rule

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I recently instituted a new rule in my life called the one-day mad rule. That means that I allow myself only one day to be upset. I have that whole day to work through whatever issues I’m having. Once I wake up the next day, it’s old news. I can no longer be upset about what happened yesterday. I have to exercise, hike, or anything to get my mind off what’s bothering me. The main objective is not to carry that anger with me through the next day. I’m telling you since I forced myself to adapt to this rule it’s been a complete game-changer. I had to get used to the idea, so it was a huge struggle at first. I’ve been following this for a month, and it increased my mood drastically. I’m in a much happier place, and most importantly I stopped getting on my nerves. Yes, that’s an authentic thing!

When you learn how to manage your emotions, it makes you a more pleasant person. People want to be around you more, and you overall give out positive vibes/energy. Plus, life is too short so what’s the point of holding onto all that negative energy? If you’re upset with someone forgive them and let it go. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to allow that person to stay in your life. It just means you won’t let that person remain rent-free in your head. When you’re holding all that toxic energy, you’re the one impacted. Whoever hurt you most likely doesn’t know nor care. There’s no point in wasting precious time on things that aren’t aiding your mental health. The one-day mad rule will take getting used to, but the benefits are worthwhile.

Start small and commit yourself to make a change. Once you decide that you will make this change, it becomes easier. Also, when I see myself getting frustrated, that’s when I take a break. I go for a walk, listen to music, etc. Anything to get my mind off the anger. Putting yourself in a different mindset helps you to make decisions from a logical standpoint instead of emotions. That will keep you from having to apologize often due to hurt feelings. That’s the difference between adults and children. Adults learn when to speak, apply their emotions, and when to keep quiet. If you haven’t mastered this art it takes time and practice to perfect it. However, I committed to change my behavior. I’m going to fall short, but I’m going to keep at it until it becomes second nature. My one-day mad rule is here to stay!

What are some ways that you learned how to handle and manage your emotions?

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The Importance of Me Time

After having over a month of running from here and there, I am exhausted. I didn’t realize it until this past weekend when my plans fall through. I realized at that point that I need to take better care of myself. It’s important to understand that at times, you need to take a break and decompress from the world. Many people have different ways of needing me time, but whatever it is, it needs to happen. Burn out from work and life is a real thing. I believe this is the reason why more people are suffering from depression. Americans are overworked and underpaid, which is a recipe for disaster. It is more critical than ever the need to recharge and refuel to be a better version of yourself. In the next paragraphs, I’m going to discuss my top 3 things I do during my me time.

I love to meditate as it’s imperative to get centered with yourself. It helps to rid my body of those negative thoughts, and it helps me to relax as well. At first, I struggled with it because it was new and something I never did before. I thought that maybe I would never obtain the concept, but after a few practices, I finally got the hang of it. I recommend meditation as it’s a great way to help with self-soothing. Of course, in life, you will be faced with many stressful and challenging situations. Meditation is the best way to remain calm in those situations. Since adopting meditation, I have been much happier and more relaxed than usual. I would get upset about something and be able to keep myself calm quickly. Whereas in the past I would get agitated and it would take me a while to calm down. Most of it had to do with my career and my emotional intelligence not being at the same level. Maturing doesn’t end at 18 years of age, and we all continue to grow through more life experiences. The best way to start meditating is simple by starting and finding a free app to use. I enjoy Head space even though it’s not entirely free, but it has a worth of knowledge available. Whichever route you decide to take I hope that you will give it a try. It has done wonders for me, and I hope that others enjoy the same benefits.

I started to institute a requirement that I would stay off of social media at least one day a week. I noticed that it was consuming a vast majority of my time, and it started to contribute to the negative feelings I was having about myself. I know everyone likes to think they’re secure about themselves, but now and then we all start to focus more on the flaws that we have. Social media has a way of reinforcing those negative stereotypes and body images. It’s important to unplug and step away from social media to see the real world. There is most likely something that you have been putting off that you forgot to work on and you’re using social media as a reason not to complete it. I have been guilty in the past of saying I don’t have time or I’ll come back to it later. The truth is I hardly come back to it, and I was lazy by not completing my tasks. By giving myself time away from social media, I get to readjust my focus and get back to my real life.

The last thing that I created for myself during my me time is lazy Sundays. I don’t do this every Sunday, but depending on the week I had or coming up I would do nothing on this day. I can stay in the house all day if I want to or go outside. It’s a lazy day because I don’t demand that I full this day up with something to do. I allow my mood to determine what I would do that day if I do anything. Sunday is a no pressure type of day. I can use it as a day to catch up on my reading, my favorite TV shows, or prepare myself for the upcoming week. Allowing myself this time helps me with getting much-needed rest and will enable me to slow things down a bit. I’m guilty of not giving myself breaks as I should and setting a day aside to do just that helps tremendously.

What are some of your me time activities that you like to partake? If you don’t have any currently, which ones would you like to implement?

The Downfall of People Pleasing

I discussed the importance of self-care and self-love openly on this blog page. Honestly, at times I feel like a fraud because I’m not living up to the truth that I preach. One issue is that I tend to second-guess myself and scrutinized everything. I’m so concerned with making mistakes that not only do I still make them but they are worse than I could even imagine. The reason for this stress is due to my issue of people pleasing. I get so worried about what my family may think or believe. I know it doesn’t matter what others say and it’s important to live your life for you. Trust me I get it, and I heard all those reasons before. However, when you’re always in your head none of that matters. You believe that no matter what decision you make it’s still the wrong one. If my choices are going to cause harm to those around me, then it’s best to avoid the risk. That is a horrible way to live and not the best way to view things.

I wish that I could say that I don’t care what family thinks of me, but it’s not true. I get down on myself because I want to be happier in life. Delighted people don’t focus on the opinions of others. Their primary objective is to ensure their happiness supersedes everything else around them. I can’t wait for that to me as I’m continuously struggling with this daily. The next few paragraphs are an open letter to myself about how I’m going to not only love myself more but how I will implement these changes. I hope that reading this will help others out there learn to do the same.

Thkeya what can I say we have been on this beautiful journey called life together for the past 33 years. You have made such a positive impact on the lives of so many around you. The sad part is nobody understands the pain that you deal with on the daily. You go from happiness to sadness as the wind blows. All of this nonsense is due to you not being happy within yourself. Your wants and needs have fallen to the wayside to help those in need. Especially if it pertains to your family, you will go above and beyond to help them. There’s nothing wrong with being there for them but what about you? Are your desires not of great importance? At some point, you have to take a break from saving the world and focus on you. Since you’re responsible and reliable, your family will often overlook being there for you. They don’t believe that you need assistance. Therefore, it’s hardly granted or asked.

You’re still human at the end of the day and not a superhero. You need to take your cape off to rest and regroup for your mental wellbeing. I know you’re worried because every time you do you feel like you’re selfish. In the famous words of Iyanla Vanzant, “It’s selfish not to put yourself first.” I understand hearing all this is a lot for you. You’re most likely furious with me for even bringing this up. I don’t care what you want to hear because you need to listen to this. If you don’t make changes NOW, it will have dire consequences for you. Resentment is close to creeping in, and that’s a horrible sign. Some changes need to occur, and I’m begging you to make them sooner than later.

Of course, I would never leave you with all this to unpack and not try to help you implement changes ASAP. The first solution is to continue with therapy. I know it’s scary and you felt like you can do all this on your own. Well, therapy will help with these new demons that are coming to the surface. You need the proper tools to help deal with the range of emotions that you’re experiencing. I know you want to say you got this, but it’s a more prominent sign of strength to say I need help. Anyone who puts you down about this decision doesn’t need to be in your life period. You will gain more confidence, and that radiance that is inside will be shining out even more.

The second solution is following your heart and trust your instincts more. You know what’s best for you so stop doubting yourself. It’s exceptionally frustrating to watch you go over and over a decision when you got this. Kill the self-doubt and follow your first mind. It’s boring not taking risks anyway. The third solution is to stop waiting for a mythical time in the future to do something. The best time to do it is NOW! If you hold on for a great time to happen in life then literally nothing will ever occur. That’s not how life works. You don’t get to follow down this smooth path with rose petals. It’s bumpy, messy, confusing and filled with heartache along the way. The best you can do is pray for a perfect outcome and figure it out if it doesn’t happen. The fourth and final solution is to stop caring about what others have to say. I don’t care if it’s your 4^th cousin twice removed let that negative energy go. I know it feels like you ‘re getting picked on and that’s why you take it to heart. Stop allowing it to affect you and see how quickly those opinions dissipate. The reason why they are so prevalent is due to you giving it attention. Once people know that you aren’t breathing life into their views, then there’s no reason to share them.

That was a lot to handle so take a few deep breaths. Meditate and get yourself ready to tackle these solutions head-on. The best way to implement these changes is to start small and work your way down. As you get through the first solution, then the next will be much easier to follow. I want the best for you, and I can’t see you hurting anymore. Please do yourself a favor and choose happiness always. Like Anthony Hopkins said, “None of us is getting out of here alive.” Based on that notion living in true happiness is the only way to go.

I love you, and I’m very proud of you. I choose you forever and always without question nor hesitation.

Xoxo

Me, Myself and I

Top 10 Goals for 2019

I think it’s important to not only discuss your goals but have a plan to execute them as well. A goal without a plan is a wish as the saying states. To keep me honest I felt that I would utilize this post to detail my top goals for 2019. I thought that I would not only list out my goals but how I plan to execute them as well. I will keep you posted on my progress throughout the year. Please call me out as well if I don’t mention any of my goals after this post. I need to be accountable if I’m going to accomplish them. Also, knowing that other people are reading this is giving me even more motivation. We all need that extra push and seeing this in plain black and white is a great motivator.

My goals for the year are:

1. Travel More

Last year I stated that I would travel once a quarter. I achieved just that, and I would like to continue that into 2019. I accomplished this goal by having a travel fund and adding it into my budget to save money for my travel activities. I will continue to plan out all my travel activities to ensure that I have adequate funds to participate.

2. Purchase Real Estate

I know at first this sounds like I mean home, townhouse, or condo. That would be nice, but that’s not what I’m going to have. I want to open my own business. Being an entrepreneur is something that I have discussed for the longest, and this will finally be my year to accomplish this goal. I want to purchase a building to start my financial service business. I want to teach others in my community how to manage their money, learn more about stocks/bonds, retirement and credit solutions. I want others to be more financially independent as a way to generate wealth. The way to break the curse of poverty is by creating wealth through real estate. I saw a video by a CPA that stated that the way to generate wealth is via the tax code. That is how many people pay less in taxes and create equity. To achieve this, you would need to be knowledgeable and having your credit/savings in order. In the next few months, I am going to reach out to a realtor to help with finding the right place for my business.

3. Publish my Poetry Book

I have been working on this book for as long as I could remember. I’m sure my friends are tired of me talking about this book and are ready to read it already. I will be granting your wishes as 2019 is the year for this book to see the light of day. I will be self-publishing the book which I am very nervous about since I have no idea what to expect. I have to make sure every detail down to the cover looks perfect. I can’t wait for everyone to see the finished product as I’m so proud to show it off. Look out for my book later this year at an Amazon near you.

4. Start a New Job

I have been at my current employer for nine years well ten this year, and it’s time for a change. One thing that worries me is getting stagnant staying at one place too long. At this point, I feel like I have plateaued in my current team. I still have things that I can contribute however I’m not learning nor growing anymore. I have overstayed my welcome, and it’s time to move on to greener (hopefully) pastures. I have been comfortable for so long, and that is the reason why I stayed. Therefore, it’s time to step outside of my comfy zone and look forward to looking for a new role. I will start applying for a job internally and post my resume on LinkedIn to get eyes to my talents.

5. Fall in Love (Fingers crossed)

My love life is on my list every year and every year I fail miserably. This time I am saying no more, and I am going to make a considerable effort to make sure it happens. One of the issues that I have is not dating with a purpose. I’ll state what I want, but I don’t follow through with it. For example, I want someone who is ready and will make time for a relationship. Then the guy will give a sob story, and I’ll forgive them for nonsense. I don’t listen to my gut when I notice red flags but brush it off as if I’m overreacting. I am not and if that guy can’t make time then move on. This year I will be more intentional about what I want, and whoever can’t fall in line then exit stage left.

6. Start a YouTube Channel

I have a channel that I started years ago, but I stopped uploading to it. I tried to recreate the magic again with a past boyfriend, but that went left very quickly. However, I’m going to revamp the channel that I started years ago. My new angle is around reviewing the things that I like such as Halloween, discussing the topics from this blog, rants, or other random things that are of interest. This channel will be an extension of my blog and vice versa. I believe this will be a great way to showcase my personality in the visual sense to the world. I’m going to implement a schedule within the next few months detailing the days that I will be posting videos.

7. Grow My Blog

I want this blog to grow to its fullest potential. For that to occur, I need to be more consistent with uploading content. I started to achieve this goal by planning out my blog topics for each month beforehand. I should have applied this method sooner as it is beneficial. I am just writing away as I know what I will be discussing. I need to draw more attention to my blog via social media as having an online presence is paramount for driving more traffic. I also plan on attending or creating speaking engagements as a way to draw more attention to this blog. This blog is fantastic and more people need to see what I have to offer. If there are any places that you know is looking for someone, please contact me and let me know.

8. Create an App

I want to create an app for Apple Store and Google Play. I have a few ideas which I don’t want to give away on here (shhh), but I have been teaching myself how to code in my downtime. I still have a lot of things to learn, but this has always been a passion project of mine. My mentor knows someone who works in the Technology space and app application is one of his expertise. I plan on networking with this person so I can learn more about this area and get my idea out to the market.

9. Finish my First Draft of my Graphic Novel

I have been working on this graphic novel even longer than my poetry book. Many people aren’t even aware that I had this novel in the works for years. I’m tired of not displaying my talent, and it’s time for this novel to reach the light of day. This draft will most likely take me the rest of the year to finish, but I’m determined to get it done. I plan on creating a list of items that I have left which will include deadlines for completion. Otherwise, this will never get done if I don’t create a project plan to complete this draft.

10. Attending More Horror Conventions

Attending more conventions is an easy goal as I’m the biggest horror fan ever! I already have one convention planned for this coming March and looking forward to more this year. There is another one in Dallas that I’m thinking about checking out in May while I’m there visiting a friend. Of course, I’ll be looking for more as I’m completely addicted to them. It’s like a candy store for a horror fan. It’s all the things you love in one place. What could beat that?

What are your goals for 2019 and how do you plan on executing them? How do you keep yourself motivated? Let’s help each other achieve our goals for this year!

Prescription for Self-Care

When you hear the word self-care what comes to mind? For me, it’s something that I don’t do enough. I’m always running around but never take the time to focus on myself entirely. We all need time to ourselves to unwind from the stresses of the day. You can’t be fully present for others if you have yet to be there for yourself. I’m learning that I can’t give my all and saying no is okay. I still feel guilty when I do however not being there for myself is even worse. How can you say you love yourself if you don’t give yourself the same care as everything else? Internally you deserve the same amount of attention as your job, bills, etc. No more excuses! From this day forward self-care will no longer be a slogan but a complete lifestyle change.

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I concluded that I lacked self-care while being on this leadership council for a non-profit organization. I tried to make myself available to all the meetings and any activities that came up. Due to my work commitments being on this council was proving to be quite challenging. It didn’t matter however because I was determined to give back even if meant hurting myself in the process. Since this council is new, it requires a lot of time and effort. I could provide support but only in a limited capacity. I started to see that my availability and the council needs weren’t in alignment. I kept forcing myself to fit into a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. I realize that honestly, I could give my all but at what cost? Sure I would be giving back, but I won’t be fully present as I would be exhausted. I have to take better care of myself if I’m going to be an asset. Until I cater to my needs, I can’t possibly be there for others.

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Putting others before yourself is selfish because as a human you have needs as well. Not catering to your own needs creates resentment. Taking time to recharge your batteries gives you the space you need so you can get in touch with yourself. Also, it’s okay if you can’t be involved in everything. It’s better to dedicate yourself to a few events as opposed to every occasion and not enjoying it. Be honest about what your schedule permits. People may expect more but don’t let guilt deter you. Don’t let others have free reign over your time as you don’t get that back. You should be happy and excited anytime you are spending time on something. If your energy is continuously depleting that means you are neglecting your needs and you need to look into that. I’m practicing self-care currently, and unfortunately, it’s taking some adjustments on my part. I’m hoping you do the same if you haven’t started already. What are some of your self-care methods that you tried? Please share your comments below. Don’t forget to fill your daily dose of self-care or seek your treatment as needed.

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Until next time,

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Congratulating Yourself

For me, one of the hardest things to do is be proud of myself. I am my own worst critic. I am always looking for the next thing that I forget to stop and smell the roses. I hear all the time from family and friends about how well I’m doing. Unfortunately, I don’t feel the same way they do. I feel as if there is more I should be doing and I have to stop procrastinating to get it accomplished. In my own eyes, I don’t feel like I have accomplished much and there is much more for me to do. I had a conversation with my best friend the other day, and I realized that I am extremely strict with myself. I rarely give myself credit for anything, and I’m always trying to see what I could’ve done differently. The goals I have accomplished I failed to pat myself on the back and say a good job. If you don’t toot your own horn then who will? To be happy about where you are going, you have to acknowledge where you been.

I took time away from blogging to focus on the goals I set for myself so far this year and what I completed. While I had this time to reflect I realized that I cultivated a lot in short amount of time. I got a promotion; I started this blog which I wanted to do for years, got my savings up, and started traveling again more regularly. There are more goals on my list for this year, but so far I’m doing very well. Had I not stop to think about what I accomplished I would’ve missed out on all that I did. I must say it felt pretty good knowing what I’ve done so far this year. I finally patted myself on the back, and I deserved the recognition. Taking the time to reflect on my goals helped me to see that I am not doing as horrible as I thought. It also helped me to stop being so hard on myself. I have to stop and appreciate things more as life is too short not to.

My best advice to anyone that is in the same boat as me is to enjoy life as it is happening. Don’t be so caught up in trying to get to the next thing that you stop appreciating what’s in front of you. It is essential to stop and admire the beautiful things currently in your life. You work so hard for what you have, and it is critical to enjoying the fruits of your labor. You owe it to yourself to congratulate yourself on your current successes while looking forward to the future.

Until next time,

Thkeya Life (1)