Living to the Beat of Your own Drum

I was sick this past week, so I had a lot of time to think while I was recovering. I wonder why people are very concerned with other people’s lives. I mean in the sense that a person isn’t living their life according to society’s standards. For example, once a woman enters her thirties if she isn’t married with children she is shunned by other people. It doesn’t matter where the displeasure comes from. It could be either from romantic prospects, family, friends, or even complete strangers. It’s like you are constantly being judged based off how your life is going at the moment. Maybe you planned on being married with children at some point, and it hasn’t occurred yet. Nobody knows what specifically is going on in your life, and it is best not to speculate. Please allow people to live their lives on their own terms.

I have been told that my downfall in my romantic life has been due to my career. That I chose my career over focusing on romance in my life; which is not the case at all. I had relationships throughout my career, which didn’t work out as I hoped. This gave the impression that marriage was something that I didn’t want. Being that my career is in the IT field; it has made it difficult to date. Most romantic prospects have an issue with my work schedule. The men I came in contact with in the past complained that they couldn’t be spontaneous with me nor plan dates. I tried the best that I could to make my schedule be as flexible as possible; however, those efforts didn’t seem to be acknowledged. I lucked out now, and I found someone who completely understands my crazy schedule. He has the same issue, so this is something that we are both working through. With patience, we can really see where things will grow and lead to.

Another question I get asked a lot is when I will purchase a home. For the life of me, I don’t understand why people think I don’t want to purchase a home. Seriously, I would’ve purchased a home already if I could. Not only is a down payment needed for a home, but there is a massive amount of upkeep that is required. I don’t have the necessary funds that I’m comfortable with to become a homeowner. Also, I would really like to purchase a home with my husband as we prepare to start a family. This is a dream of mine, and I hope it turns out that way. If not, at the very least I need to be in a better financial standing to support a home. Being a homeowner on one income is extremely difficult to maintain. I would like to have multiple strings of income coming in to support all of my future endeavors before purchasing a home.

There is the timetable that society has and then there is the one that life has. The old adage goes, “Man plans and God laughs.” You may plan for things to go one way and life takes you down a rabbit hole. After you go through the twist and turns of life; you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt. However, this doesn’t mean that you stop living your life when things occur out of the order you anticipated. Don’t allow what other people feel you should do dictate what occurs in your life. You can still get married, have children, get a stable career, have financial security, and purchase a home well into your thirties. You are not a failure if you achieve these things later in your life. Also, don’t feel pressure to hurry up and start knocking these items off your list. That could, unfortunately, have dire consequences. It is best to allow things to happen when they are supposed to. Until the time comes, enjoy your life and live it to the fullest. You want to be ready for marriage, and a family instead of wishing to relive your previous life.

 

 

The Fear of Starting Over

Falling deeply, madly in love with someone is a petrifying experience. The vulnerability that you feel is most terrifying. However, the love that you have for that person is worth all of the anxiety you feel. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person and the thought of living without them causing you unmeasurable pain. To hear those four words, “Will you marry me?” is something most women will long to hear. Unfortunately, for me, I didn’t get my happily ever after.

After a completely romantic proposal that was everything from my wildest dreams quickly came crashing down on me. I found out not even a month later that the love of my life wasn’t ready to get married. To say I was devastated would’ve been an understatement.  He felt pressure from his family to propose and he claimed he didn’t want to keep me waiting for a proposal. To be honest, I never pressured him and at that time I was so in love I would’ve waited forever for him. However, what he failed to realize was his deception would cause residual effects that I’m still experiencing today.

I was so hurt, confused, mislead, and most importantly I felt unworthy of love. How could someone who claimed to love me hurt me this way? I lost all faith in people especially when it came to men. Every person whom I came in contact with was scrutinized with a fine tooth comb. I got involved in situations that I had no business being in. Remember what I said last week, “Hurt people will always hurt others around them.” I was involved with men who were horrible for me, but I let my fear of desperation get the best of me.

Everyone kept telling me that I needed to start dating again. People don’t understand how it feels to go from being engaged to newly single. You often wonder if you will ever find love again or if marriage will ever be a possibility. Also, it doesn’t help that I had a few bad relationships since my engagement ended. I started to experience a serious bout of depression. I didn’t want to interact nor did I want to be around family and friends. I started to distance myself from the people who know me best because I was ashamed to admit what was taking place in my life. My depression had spiraled out of control that I even attempted suicide. At this point, I knew I needed help and I wasn’t going to be able to deal with all these emotions on my own.

The next step for me was attending therapy. This was a scary thing for me to do, but overall I made the best decision possible. I honestly don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for therapy. I had to learn how to love me again and not to look to someone else for my happiness. This is something that I am responsible for and I am the person that can change the course of my life. Therapy helped me to realize that each experience in life is a lesson learned. Things will be okay if they don’t work out as life goes on. It will be devastating of course, but not life-threatening.

The biggest lesson of all that I learned is that forgiveness is most important. Forgiveness is more for you than the other person. As cliché as it sounds, it is so true. It means letting go of past hurt in order to move forward in your life. From my therapy sessions, I became a stronger and wiser woman. I’m so proud of the person I am today. If you need therapy for any reason, don’t be afraid to seek treatment. You never know how it could change your life.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I do know that I’m finally ready for it. It took a long time, but I can’t wait to see the outcome. Starting over is an overwhelming task, but it can be the most rewarding experience. Give yourself a chance to see how it goes. You never know what may be waiting for you around the corner.